Life as a ski bum is a complicated maze of financial and personal choices. Along the way, skids need certain crutches to keep them walking through this snowy journey down the highway called “life.”
5 Things Ski Bums Can’t Live Without…
– $2 PBR or Rainier Tallboys
Without cheap forms of alcohol, ski bum reproduction rates would plummet. All of a sudden, thousands of unplanned, out-of-wedlock ski bum infants would no longer exist.
– Coffee
Without Coffee, ski bums would find themselves trying to find the ski area in a hungover haze that lasts from Sunday till Saturday with 1/10 actually making it to the base area. Attrition in its most horrific form.
– Pornhub
Without Pornhub, the male ski bum would likely be forced to relive the Great White Pass Mistake of 2015 all over again. According to local lore, a White Pass ski bum attempted to abstain from any and all physical contact, personal or otherwise, during a particularly good snow year only to lose his ‘composure’ at the end of season, ski patrol party. While dancing with his fairly attractive boss, the man in question proceeded to embarrass himself, in his own pants, during an intimate two-step to a cover of Old Crow Medicine Show’s, Wagon Wheel. He was never heard from again.
– SunglassesÂ
Without sunglasses, scientific studies indicate that persistent exposure to UV radiation would ultimately cause the ski bum retina to melt. For this reason along with the fact that the sun melts snow, ski bums refer to the only star in our solar system as ‘The Death Star,’
– A debit card with overdraft protection
Without overdraft protection, mountainous communities would have already resorted to the guillotine in order to rid themselves of fiscally irresponsible ski bums. In this dystopian future, ski bums’ non-stop, $60 ATM withdrawals are the primary reason for large-scale financial meltdowns.
– Custom footbeds
Without custom footbeds, the ski bum would lose the ability to walk upright after 5 seasons of living in such a mountainous habitat. And as we all know, the ability to walk on one’s two feet is essential to the hunter/gatherer/skier method of surviving.