Gapers are gapers right? No, not exactly. Gapers come from an array of cultures and creeds, boasting different looks, beliefs, and family units. For example, the Joey (northeastern gaper) usually sports a Buffalo Bills or New York Jets starter jacket but is without kids in tow. The Joey normally combines forces with his other Joey friends to drink copious amounts of Yuengling or Budweiser. However, the Texas gaper is a whole different deal. You will never see a Texas gaper rocking any NFL team’s swag north of the Red River. So here are the five ways to spot a Texan on Ski Vacation.
1. The Houston Handbag
The H-Town Handbag is a famous ski carry technique whose origins can be traced back to the Texas gaper’s first days of skiing at Monarch Mountain or Taos Ski Valley. With three kids and a negligent Dallas wife in tow, the Houston Handbag condemns dads to the same act of hauling over packed duffels into hotels for their unappreciative children. Subsequently, the Texan can be spotted with two sets of skis and poles in hand, not to mention a waterfall of sweat dripping down his forehead and into his Turtlefur neck gaiter.
2. The Wife
The Texan can also be spotted through his significant other. The Texas Wife believes Neiman Marcus fashion on the ski hill is the end all be all. Just look for the aggressive fur coat and ridiculously large shades. Chances are she’s also a few Chardonnay’s deep and is touching her ski instructor pretty suggestively. Sorry dad.
3. Only Ski When It’s Sunny
While many other regions of America understand how to work around weather, Texans do not. So if it’s stormy outside, expect Texans to hole up in their condo waiting for a bluebird weather window. Groomers aren’t going to shred themselves.
4. Longhorns, Aggies, and Red Raiders
Chances are… someone in the Texan family has a jacket they’re wearing on the hill that has one of these three college football program’s logos on the back. What the Texan family doesn’t know is that when renting skis, the DIN chart accounts for these apparel choices and takes their DIN down an additional notch.
5. Hunting Gear
With the exception of college football starter jackets and high school letterman jackets, the rest of the Texan’s wardrobe is 100% from the hunting closet. Day-Glo beanies, camo pants, and Under Armour ski masks are all telltale signs of the Texan skier.