Image by Darrin Estep
*This is a work of satire.
Skiing is not immune to the CrossFit craze currently sweeping the country. In fact, many ski town entrepreneurs have started up their own offshoots of the popular workout trend with skiing in mind. These spinoffs hope to engineer a new form of the fitness regiment with a specific focus on skiing, snowboarding, and mountaineering. Billed as a way to turn average PBR drinking ski bums into craft brew swilling, attractive people banging, ski machines– Cross-Fit Mountain is already making waves in alpine towns across the west.
However, such mountain-based CrossFit programs are receiving some negative reviews from the medical community.
In a recent scientific study by The Medical University Of Colorado, research indicates that one such version of CrossFit actually hinders skier’s mental abilities over the long run as well as increase the chance of pre-season injury. Over the course of the past two years, MUC scientists found that while sex drive, overall endurance, and resilience to “bummer knee issues” increased, other physiological assets diminished.
Such is the case with Aspen based CrossFit Mountain©.
Among other discoveries made by the study, scientists found that prolific conversation plummeted into a series of chest bumping grunts that faintly resembled the words, “dead lift, muscle up, and WOD (short for Work Out Of The Day).” In addition to the lack of honest emotional and intellectual conversation, scientists also found that by turning fitness into a job, CrossFitters eventually transformed their passion for skiing, snowboarding, and mountaineering into a job as well. By doing so, creativity, empathy, and ‘out of the box’ thinking diminished along with their time spent skiing.
MUC scientist, Richard “Dick” Hurley commented on the findings saying, “It’s fairly obvious that once someone starts a CrossFit Mountain© regiment, they immediately stop skiing full days, talking in full sentences, and generally reading anything that isn’t diet related.” He later added, “Instead these CrossFitters spend the majority of their time posting self-promotional material of themselves doing dead-lifts, eating paleo dinners, and taking ice baths with their mostly attractive, Crossfitting partners.”
While such Instagram posts might make ski bums jealous of an apparently hyer sex-filled life, the study also concluded that the ski bums not participating in CrossFit Mountain© were more humble with their sexual appetites. Such humility is also a telltale sign of mental maturity.
Serving as a control for the experiment, one ski bum who does not participate in CrossFit Mountain© told researchers that while his sex life wasn’t the most exciting or flexible thing in existence, his partners seem fairly pleased with his bedroom antics, especially post-intercourse.
The man in question was later identified by scientists as Toby “Fromunda” Wilson of Bellingham, WA. “The study showed that Toby was a good snuggler,” said Hurley. “CrossFitters on the other hand are too busy thinking about their next workout and Instagram post to spend time enjoying post-coitus snuggling.”
The catch 22 of all this?
The lack of relaxation also causes a significant amount of pre-season injuries. Such was the case with Hillary Frumpton of Carbondale, CO. After executing CrossFit Mountain workouts all fall in preparation for ski season, Frumpton broke two of her lower vertebrae while exercising at CrossFit Mountain’s warehouse gym. She says the accident happened while trying to complete a October dead lift goal that her course trainer said was “for pussies.” In retrospect, Frumpton told researches she now wishes she spent her fall “drinking beer and spending quality time with her friends.” She later admitted, “most likely my back would be fine if I’d done that instead.”
Most of Frumpton’s friends are now skiing, drinking, and getting GNAR on the slopes of Aspen Highlands.
Such findings are contradictory to the CrossFit Mountain social media claim #TheMountainGivesNoFucks. In fact, research shows that the mountain cares about your mental and physical health, which MUC scientists have interpreted in their own social media campaign by using the hashtag– #SkiingAndCrossFitDontMix.