By Caldwell Cunningham
What the shit is up with all these National [insert vapid, immaterial subject matter here] Days? Honestly, it seems as if every day, or every other day at least, some media outlet is blasting our faces and phones off with a new national Day. Shortly after these Days garner any sort of attention, a bunch of donkeys start posting Instagrams in order to pay homage to their mother’s lasagna on National Lasagna Day. I present to you the some of the best (or worst) unofficial National Days with a couple of suggestions from a ski bum.
[Side note: “Go hang a salami Im a Lasagna Hog” backwards is “Go hang a salami Im a Lasagna Hog” – drop that at the next aprés party]
1. December 18 – National Whack Your Pole Day or National Fireball Day
Perhaps this could be a combination day where pole whacking merges with fireball for a single, legendary day. A week before Christmas, the ski village is still lightly desolate as it prepares to for the onslaught of the Christmas season out-of-town turds. Well, to celebrate the impending doom for the lift lines, hit the slopes, slug some fireball whilst whacking that pole and flip the bird to every plane that may or may not be carrying those aforementioned turds.
2. August 3 – National Grab Some Nuts DayOh, the beloved Nut Grabbing Day. National Grab Some Nuts Day is a day dedicated to grabbing nuts of all sorts – almonds, cashews, pistachios, or even just your standard Planters Peanut. Even though you just missed this one by a couple of days, mark this one down in your calendars for 2016 and make sure you grab some nuts as a part of your daily activity.
3. September 25 – National One-Hit Wonder Day
National One-Hit Wonder Day may come off as another time to remind these so called “One-Hit Wonders” of just exactly what they are, but this day can provide so much more. Throughout this glorious life of ours, I have participated in a number of playlists stacked with notorious tracks such as: “Just a Friend” – Biz Markie; “Good Vibrations” – Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch; “Baby Got Back” – Sir Mix-a-Lot; “Mambo No. 5” – Lou Bega; and an all time sports favorite “Whoomp! (There It Is)” – Tag Team. So wherever you find yourself on September 25, plug in some headphones, turn those speakers up and cherish these immortal wonders. That way, when the ski season rolls around, you can be that unique trendsetter who isn’t listening to the freshest dub-step from Tanner Hall’s new edit: You’re hucking your meat to Eddy Grant’s “Electric Avenue.”
4. January 24 – Beer Can Appreciation Day
On January 24, 1935, the first ever, canned beers were sold to the boozehounds of yesteryear. Little did the world know, the canned beer would become one of the most vital accessories for any rad bro’s lifestyle. Whether you’re crackin’ a cold one after work, chugging a tall boy with your homies, or biting into a Rainier and shotgunning, remember January 24th and appreciate that beer can.
While the list of National Days goes on and on and on (a cute little calendar can be found at nationaldaycalendar.com), here are some days that I (and an additional contributor) feel our great nation needs:
5. December 30 –National Ski Naked Day
As a tribute to one of the pioneers of the BN (Butt Naked) – Shane McConkey was born 12/30/1969. So on December 30th, bless your home resort with a handful of visible man ass. That said, this day isn’t reserved solely for the dudes, and women should fret not about whipping out their pristine gluteus maximi and cruising down the mountain. The ski season should still be in its early season form, so don’t worry about missing that epic pow lap and let those hams fly.
6. Monday following the return of Daylight Savings – National Nap Day
This is one actually already exists, but it greatly needs to be enforced. We all know how annoying that Monday morning is after the “Spring forward” date of Daylight Savings Time. You lose an hour of sleep Saturday night, wake up Sunday feeling slight perturbed about being shorted a whole hour of sleep and meander into work Monday morning like a hostile amorphous blob. Now imagine how great that day would become if you knew that around 2 PM, a nationwide nap requirement would take place. Even if you aren’t a napper, you could still find a spot to sneak off, down a couple alcoholic beverages and make that Monday suck just a little less.