You’ve skied a few times. You even got a yelp from someone off the lift once (at least it was in your general direction), but you need to know how to pretend like you are way better than you actually are. There are really two kind of skiers, those who ski and don’t talk much and then there are those who well fu*k that, there is one kind of skier: the one who talks himself up and aspires to have the real swagger of the pros. Here are some hints to help you fake your way to the top.
- Skittle Yourself. This goes beyond bright colors and jacket/pant combos; sticker placement is also key. Good looking stickers and recurring stickers on helmets and skis make people wonder if you are sponsored. Careful, one poorly placed sticker can ruin this whole facade.
- Red Bull Hat Effect. The same goes for being very conscious of maintaining a trend in who makes your gear. If the same company makes all your outerwear, and it isn’t tattered to rags, then people in lift lines start to wonder. When they wonder, then you are one step closer to being mistaken for being a pro. Or maybe just a really good poser. I like to call this the Red Bull Hat Effect. Everyone has seen THAT GUY walk into a bar with a Red Bull hat that he bought in Sri Lanka. It doesn’t matter where he got the hat, but people immediately take notice and start to wonder what extreme sport they have won at.
- Name Drop. Always refer to real pros, and just famous people in general by their first names only. Ex: “Sam and I were hitting some sick lines yesterday.” In reality, Sammy Carlson didn’t know that you were on the same run as him.
- Stay Hidden. Never take your goggles off; someone might recognize you as the pizza delivery guy that you really are. In fact, always wear mirrored goggles and a face-mask.
- Weasel Into The Scene. Date a used Pro-Ho. Get media passes to events. Just be a scenester.
- Smoke n’ Mirrors. Buy a sled that doesn’t work and glue it into the back of your truck. Appearance is everything, and the gawkers wont know that you don’t actually use it. Shovel snow onto it occasionally.
- Master Social Media. Keep up on pro tweets. Stalk someone.
- Roll With a Posse. If they kinda look up to you then you seem better. They can’t be toddlers though.
- Buy a MacBook Pro. Sticker this up too just as if it were a very flat and very expensive helmet. If you can incorporate the glowing half-eaten apple into your sticker placement then you have joined the elite ranks of 2/3 of all other iMac users.
- Live in Whistler. Face it, nothing exciting really happens anywhere else.
