1. Sponsorships Include 5 Different Microbreweries
Judging by the stickers on your ten-year-old K2 Tele boards, I’m guessing Dales, Odell’s, Sierra Nevada, and Deschutes breweries sponsor you.
Rule: Those who Tele must drink a lot of pale ale (See #2 below).
2. Can You Smell That Smell?
Tele-whackers are an earthy bunch and they usually smell. This odor is a combination of multiple sources. Sources include but are not limited to: rotten bananas stuffed in pants pockets, pale ale flatulence, sweaty knee pads, chai latte breath, and patchouli oil remnants in overgrown beards.
3. Phish and the Grateful Dead
Tele skiers are known for using extremely worn, outdated gear. The reason for this lag in technology is due to the Tele-skier’s affinity for summer jams from the The Dead and Phish. So instead of throwing their hard earned profit at a new free-heel setup, Tele-whackers get lottery tickets to their favorite concerts via jam band lotteries. Consequently, the Tele-skier will travel the country freeing their mind with the hope that their heels will follow during the winter.
Note: Other Tele-whacker bands include Medeski, Martin, and Wood, The String Cheese Incident, and Yonder Mountain String Band.
4. Random Ski Area Stickers
Every Tele skier has a sticker from some obscure resort or ski area. Whether that’s Okemo or Ski Cooper, Tele skiers are so under the radar that they must let everyone know they’re homegrown people, who ski homegrown ski areas. Just check out the Mt. Hermon sticker brah.
5. Work for NOLS in the summer
The odds are good that the Tele-skier, who is munching granola in lift line, is also working for the National Outdoor Leadership School this summer. Why? Because smelly recognize smelly and Tele-skiers will jump at the opportunity to spend months in the wilderness not bathing. Fact.