UNOFFICIAL NEWS: Stimulus Package Aimed At Skiers Struggling With Life After College

UNOFFICIAL NEWS: Stimulus Package Aimed At Skiers Struggling With Life After College

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UNOFFICIAL NEWS: Stimulus Package Aimed At Skiers Struggling With Life After College

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Photo Credit:

Photo Credit: Steven Damron

Upon arriving in Crested Butte, a group of St. Lawrence University post-grads are becoming the poster children for an economic stimulus package aimed at easing the transition into mountain lifestyle.

Related: Investment Banker Turned Chairlift Operator Files for Unemployment

Recent statistics released by the US Labor Department show that these New Yorker’s are not alone but in fact, the vast majority of post-grads who relocate to ski towns are struggling to grasp the new influx of bills, PO Box registrations, and the seemingly insurmountable obstacle of obtaining this year’s season pass.

“What we have is a here is a failure to grasp the necessities of everyday adult life in a ski town”Allison Jones, US Labor Department

In an interview with Unofficial Networks, the newly appointed US Labor chief Allison Jones explained that the issue seems to include a combination of quickly mounting errands and the onset of an unsettled social atmosphere that causes gainful employment to fall behind a series of other priorities.

Whether that be new happy hours, the possibility of meeting an interested member of the opposite sex, or simply finding personal sexual satisfaction at home, in the bathroom, while the roommates are at work– Jones thinks that the mounting priority conflicts are reason enough to jump-start the ski town economy by offering a new program to help new residents transition seamlessly into life spent in a ski town.

Photo Credit:

Crested Butte, CO | Photo Credit: lamoix

Titled, “The Ski Town Information Act,” the new piece of legislation will be voted on by the House of Representatives on Monday in order to remedy a weak workforce that is neither energetic nor enterprising in nature.

“What we are seeing here is a tendency to go home and complain about their situation instead of changing it,” said Colorado representative Katie Culpepper of the US House of Representatives. Culpepper later added, “what we need here is a stimulus to keep these potential laborers from falling into the trusts their parents set up for them.”

Meanwhile Jonathan Phipps, who followed his former college classmate Arthur Blackman “out west,” is rooting for the legislation to pass. “I’ve been working on getting my PO Box setup for the last two months but the USPS is about as easy to work with as the IRS,” said Phipps. Phipps has yet to file a tax return.

Representatives argue the merits of the ‘Ski Town Information Act’ | Photo: USDA

Phipps’ former classmate went on to expound on the hardships of transitioning into a viable career in the food service industry. “I need more shifts but I can’t miss Whiskey Wednesday… that’s the same day all my friends have off– not to mention wing night and Tequila Tuesday’s.”

As a part of the Ski Town Information Act, Jones says that ski pass budgeting will take center stage. “What it’s all about is giving our participants a market share in their Whiskey Wednesday debauchery.” Jones went on to explain that the liquor taxes will fund education programs to inform parents on how to save for their child’s season pass.

*This is a work of satire.

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