If you’ve ever worked in a ski shop, you’ll know that ski tuners like to stereotype their clients based on the skis they ride.
And they’re not the only ones doing it. It happens all the time on chairlifts, sun decks, or whilst sitting on a couch perusing the interwebs. Bottomline, human beings are prone to judge and although these stereotypes are far from representing the whole truth– they do represent some of the truth– some of the time.
When the Bentchetler is brought to the back of the shop the head ski tuner will say something like, “oh, this bro only skis switch– RAD!” Basically, the stereotype here is a hazy, patchouli smelling skier who is bucking his dad’s affinity for carving groomers @Stowe.
Other Bentchetler Qualities
- Packs a drug rug hoodie as their extra layer
- Lands switch… Often
- Stomps… Rarely
Dynastar Legend Pro Rider
Keyword– LEGEND. This ski bum wears all black, doesn’t talk in lift line, and definitely does not fuck around when it comes sliding around on snow with wooden sticks attached to their feet. The crust level here is off the charts and for good reason, this guy hasn’t bought a new pair of skis in 8 years.
Legend Pro Rider Qualities
- Diet consists solely of Rainier and “Slice Of The Day” pizza
- Somehow keeps their face hidden at all times
- Class of 81″ | School of Hardnocks (i.e. Deerfield)
While she rips, the owner of the K2 Misbehaved only really likes this ski because of the graphics and the implication that she is– like Rihanna, a bad bitch. Whatever the case, she’ll only get on these 20 some days due to her double duty as a server and hostess.
- Listens to Rihanna and Lil Wayne whilst shredding
- Prefers apres over skiing
- Has 155 unidentified people who would like very much to ski with her.
Line After Bang
This ski and skier can be spotted hiking back up to hit the rail at opening day @ArapahoeBasin. They’re in it for the slide more than the ski and if getting the trick means losing their manhood– so be it.
After Bang Qualities
- Hero = Tom Wallisch
- Items in their pocket = Bag of weed, lighter, 3 year old condom
- Best hit of the day = 180 on, 180 off
Kastle MX 88
This lady could be your grandmother but at age 68 she rips harder than you on a pair of 88’s. She skis almost everyday except for the days when it’s below zero and prefers top-to-bottom runs over almost anything else on the mountain.
MX 88 Qualities
- Repeatedly beats her grandsons to the base for hot chocolate
- Skis with feet together 90% of the time
- Bryce Kellogg’s ski of choice.
Nordica Jah Love
When you absolutely have to stay on top of the snow, except no substitute. The Jah Love enthusiast weighs roughly 315 Lbs and only skis when it snows over a foot. He’s the laziest of lazy but don’t get in his way on a powder day. His skis are registered as a lethal weapon.
Jah Love Qualities
- Bag of empty flaming hot cheetos in ski pant pocket
- Multiple day tickets on display
- High cholesterol level
K2 Piste Off (Tele)
Somehow this skier got stuck in the 90’s with their skis in tow. Luckily, their binding technology matches their affinity for vintage and their mind has remained free ever since.
Piste Off Qualities
- Ski season solely involves skinning up the resort
- Hasn’t had a driver’s license for over a decade
- Can be spotted trying to hitch a ride to the base area
This dad likes to go fast and turn. When he’s not framing houses in Rhode Island, he can be seen spraying snowboarders at Cannon Mountain. He only frequents the fine dining bars and gets properly shitfaced before hitting on your girlfriend, who probably needs to cut off his bar tab.
- Still rocks Obermeyer
- Tips 50% (if the waiter is attractive)
- Claims to still “have it”