UNOFFICIAL REPORT: Entire Mountain Town Stoked To Do Drugs, Watch Washed Up Jam Bands

UNOFFICIAL REPORT: Entire Mountain Town Stoked To Do Drugs, Watch Washed Up Jam Bands


UNOFFICIAL REPORT: Entire Mountain Town Stoked To Do Drugs, Watch Washed Up Jam Bands


‘I came for the lightshow’ | Photo (+Cover): Kristian Mollenborg

Mt Tomahawk town officials recently announced the artist lineup for the 2019 ‘Summer Jam Series’ and according to various reports– locals are pumped to do drugs while checking out various washed up jam bands from the late 1990’s/early 2000’s.

Related: Local Man Disgusted With Himself After Rediscovering 2011 Ski Playlist

The free concert series will include such aging acts as Perpetual Nosebleed, the Techno Donuts, as well as a far less popular side-project via one of the ex-members of Widespread Panic.

Local bartender, Siggy ‘Cigs’ Stevens claims he’s already asked off for the Techno Donuts show next summer. “I have to catch the best show of the summer. Stoked doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel. Time to start getting the extra curriculars together if ya know what I mean…?”

When asked for clarification on the meaning of“extra curriculars,” Stevens replied:“You know like Molly or whatever else I can get my hands on.”

Despite the nonsensical explanation, various sources explained to this drug-free reporter that Stevens was referring to an illegal narcotic.

Those same sources echoed Stevens, saying they too hoped to get absolutely blotto on various substances during the show. One anonymous 42 year-old resident praised the addition of the older Colorado-based Big Foot Ted and the Gremlins. “They haven’t played here since ’99 and that was easily the best show this town has ever seen! I can’t wait to get some nose candy and do it big.”

When asked how non-drug users plan to enjoy the shitty instrumentals and 10 minute long drum solo’s that were only marginally popular in their heyday, Stevens went on to explain that even non-users “smoke the vape pen or eat some gummies.”

An elementary school teacher at Summit Montessori, Samantha Resling says she too is excited to take adderall, drink frozen margaritas, and get “fucking wild for Rusted Root Vegetable”

When asked whether or not he approves of his own town’s affinity for drug use and improvisational music, the mayor of Mt Tomahawk responded with the following statement: “I find the free concert series brings the town together emotionally and if that’s means we all trip balls to shitty music– I’ll take it.” An anonymous aide indicated that last year, the mayor ended up taking off his shirt before raging in the front row for the entire Ullr’s McGhehey show.

*This is a work of satire.

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