Chairlift 201: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Tram.
By, Barclay Idsal
The Sardine Can, the Fartbox, the Soultram, the Spaceship, and the Tramacopter are all names that refer to Aerial Tramways at ski resorts across the country. Trams get you up quickly and they are as utilitarian as they are democratic. Instead of 4 people getting first chair (usually ski patrol), the first tram can carry anywhere from 50-100 skiers to the top.
Yet, bad breath (*both oral and anal) can stagnate in the car. When the car passes by each tower and sways back and forth, a stranger’s snot smears across your lips. And worst of all, you drop a glove in a loaded tram, forcing you to bend down to ass level amongst loose butt-hole locals (*the close equivalent to dropping the soap in prison).
Avoid these calamities and more with the “3 Keys.”
3 Keys to Tram Triumph:
1. If You’re First, You’re Last… and If You’re Last, You’re First
If you load last and fill the tramcar, you will inevitably be the first person out.
For success, dress in all black, sport a stone cold expression, and load ass first into the car while releasing a roaring, breakfast burrito induced anal bomb into the tram as you back in.
You’ve accomplished two things: The people behind you will never ride the tram again and your rightful spot in front of the tram door is wide open.
You made it and what a view! Also, nobody would dare put their elbow near your stomach. As you offload, you’re the first out, subsequently laughing your way down through 13’’ of crème fraiche as everyone else is forced to cross your shitty line. No pun intended.
2. Find the Magic Minute.
In a single minute exists a happy medium between arriving too early and arriving too late for the tram. I call it the ‘Magic Minute.’ Whether first tram or last, you want to make it on and not be late. That said, you also don’t want to be too early, seeming like you exerted more effort than was absolutely necessary.
Calculating when the Magic Minute will occur is crucial. Factors such as holiday weekends, stoke level, and that Michael Franti show everyone can’t wait for (really?) can all impact when the Magic Minute will occur.
3. Headphones or Earbuds.
Tramline conversation might be the most inane, conceited, and repulsive bro-brah talk you hear on the mountain. Don’t let it sap your stoke. Instead grab a cup of coffee and an extra spicy burrito (see above) and wait for your chance. Turn on David Bowie’s “Young Americans” and imagine all that bro-brah blah-blah talk transforming into backup vocals. David Bowie keeps playing and you keep lapping the Tram because it’s the best form of skiing possible and Ziggy Stardust fucking rules.
Congrats, you pass.