The Unofficial Winter Weather Forecast for the 2014/2015 Season
By Barclay Idsal
Rumors of an El Nino Year are swirling around like a dancer named Chastity on a stripper pole… They can’t be trusted. However, our state of the art Unofficial WeatherForecaster 5000 will end all rumors and give your region a 100% accurate, day-to-day winter weather forecast for the upcoming ski season.
The Northeast:
After snowing all December, a frightening warm fog will move in from the Midwest, layering the soft stuff with blue ice that pervades the rest of the season. Zebra and leopard-striped ladies from Jersey will fall victim at Killington and Hunter Mountain. However, Jay Peak will not see ice but instead will get especially snowy in January. On January 14th in particular, blower powder will fall in excess of 16 inches, giving Massholes the “best one turn ever!”
The Midwest:
Snow machines will cover landfills and maybe some wet snow to boot.
The Rocky Mountain Region:
While Colorado reaps another good year due to remaining “in the flow,” Jackson Hole get’s screwed, leaving visitors wondering what Jackson Hole Mountain Resort means by #jhdreaming. Instead, the season ends up a #nightmare (insert menacing laugh here).
The Pacific Northwest:
Mount Baker will receive 14 feet of blower snow on the first Monday in February. The total for the rest of the season will be 6 feet of cement, mainly falling in the month of December. Bad year for the PNW except for February 2nd. MARK YOUR CALENDAR!!!
The Southwest and Sierras:
Telluride loses to Silverton once again while Squaw Valley makes the comeback of the century! The snowiest year in recorded history for the Sierras gives downtrodden locals a reason to live in what’s left of California. Shane’s spirit provides. God Bless Shane McConkey and God Bless Squaw Valley!