Letter Home from a True Local. Gapers Beware!

Letter Home from a True Local. Gapers Beware!

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Letter Home from a True Local. Gapers Beware!

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By  Adolf Oliverbush

So I’m riding the chair today, at work, up that one really famous lift at that one mountain in California that is super gnarly. I’m accompanied by some real locals. One guy from Indiana or one of those unimpressive states, and two other guys from Massachusetts and Vermont. They’ve lived out here in Cali for at least 4 – 6 seasons respectively. So you know, they’re legit.

After the usual bullshit conversation, the three intimidating and connected locals begin an educated and posed debate about how much they “hate the f*%king holidays and all the stupid gapers it brings out.”

Man, I couldn’t agree with them more!

Its so annoying how people come into my town and spend money around the holidays. I mean, seriously, WTF?! They are totally getting in the way of me trying to get the hook up on the $2 apre PBR I can barely afford. Look at these a**holes in MY bar spending money and tiping my bro (the bartender). These people are soo fuc*%ng lame dressed in their $1000 outfits and custom ski boots my girlfriend sold them down at The Shop.

Who do these people from the Bay, Texas, or wherever they spend their seemingly meaningless lives think they are? I mean shit dawg, if you aint a local stfu and gtfo ya Gong! This is OUR mountain, cause were locals. I came out of my moms womb shreddin the gnar. That’s why my goggles are tucked under my helmet with this steezy “gaper gap” and I rock dope ass neon pastels. Yeah man “F” those gapers. I was never a lame ass beginner. My daddy never spent cash and took me on a ski vacation, ever! In fact, I’m so “local,” I still rock out of state plates on my Subaru my parents bought for me when I graduated University of Vermont.

So here is a big middle finger to all you Gong Joey Gapers. Stay the fu*k outta MY town and off MY mountain. Go back to The Bay, stay in Texas, and keep your money outta MY local economy.

P.S. I miss you mommy and daddy. Sorry I couldn’t call. Its tough with the 3 hour time difference ya know. The holidays just aren’t the same without you. Oh yeah, I almost forgot… Do ya think you can put the $1000 in my account by the 30th? I know it’s early this month, but my bros and I have a sick ass gangsta party to go to on New Years.

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