UNOFFICIAL NEWS: Vail To Deploy TSA Security At All Major Gondolas

UNOFFICIAL NEWS: Vail To Deploy TSA Security At All Major Gondolas

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UNOFFICIAL NEWS: Vail To Deploy TSA Security At All Major Gondolas

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What used to be a place for ‘safety meetings’ is now a battleground | Photo: Colin Davis | Cover: Clarisse Baudot

During the recent government shutdown, Vail Resorts quietly beta tested a new security program that’s sure to rub some skiers and snowboarders the wrong way. Dubbed, “Operation Unsafe Meeting,” the test program is putting unsatisfied TSA employees back to work by securing all Vail Resorts-owned gondolas.

Related: Dear Vail Resorts… | Open Letter to Vail Resorts From Pissed Off New Yorker About Legal Marijuana Use At Resorts

At its outset, the program was so successful at preventing gondola-based drug use, that Vail Resorts’ executive board signed off on a contract that will employ some 200 TSA screeners at gondola bases and top stations across the world starting Feb. 1st.

During the aforementioned ‘test-phase,’ the screeners found some 562.5 pounds of marijuana, 1 kilo of cocaine, and few pounds of other miscellaneous drugs that included magic mushrooms, MDMA, as well as Ibuprofen with small doses of Codeine (*otherwise known as Canadian Advil).

Sources within the company indicated that high level corporate officers feared the PR blowback from having their resorts “overrun by stoners” after a New Yorker’s open-letter criticizing the prevalent marijuana use at her favorite mountain, Vail, went viral.

Those visiting a Vail-owned resort after February 1st can expect to walk through the all too familiar “millimeter wave imaging booth” before boarding the gondola. But before proceeding through the imaging booth, skiers and riders will also be subject to backpack searches as well as full-on pat-downs.

When asked if cavity searches were on the proverbial table, an anonymous source within Vail said, “if [TSA employees] can do it in airports– they’ll have full authority to execute whatever search they deem beneficial towards keeping our gondolas drug-free.”

At press time, a former HR spokesperson for Vail Resorts announced that she along with 64% of the Vail Resorts workforce had been fired as a result of the new security program’s findings.

*This is a work of satire.

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