1. Skis and Bike Are Worth More Than Your Car
Image of newschoolers 2011 goggle tan contest winner
When those Dynastar Legend XXL’s came out in 2004, they totaled $700, which included a bro hookup on the Pivot binders mounted to those bad boys. Combine that with a $3,000, full-suspension Santa Cruz mountain bike and your toys are worth more than your 1998 Subaru Outback. Feels good, don’t it?
2. Carhartt Pants Galore
Known to wear one pair for an excess of 10 days, ski bums covet well worn and morbidly stained Carhartts above all other forms of clothing. The ski bum will even wear Carhartt’s as dress pants while attending upscale dinners with his/her imaginary boyfriend/girlfriend—much to the chagrin of that imaginary significant other (see below).
3. There Are More Than Two Tallboys on the Nightstand
Just throw them away and start fresh.
4. Imaginary Girlfriend Syndrome
This one is tricky. “IGS” or Imaginary Girlfriend Syndrome affects a majority of ski bums. Situations that indicate full onset IGS include: ex-girlfriends living in your hometown (probably sleeping with your best friend), girlfriends moving away to a more cosmopolitan locale such as San Francisco or New York, and girlfriends spending summers in your ski town but eventually returning to class in the fall for senior year of college. The last one you really have to watch out for. There is nothing more pathetic than a twenty-six year old ski bum pining after his imaginary, undergraduate girlfriend.
5. You Live With 3 or More People
After working a morning shift at the rental shop and a night shift at the Thai restaurant, the ski bum is pumped to have the day off tomorrow. However, once home, you realize that your roommates, their girlfriends, and one cat occupy all the couch space on the 4 love seats that dominate the living room. All you want to do is crack open a cold one but low and behold, your roommates and their girlfriends are drinking the last ones as we speak. Bummer.
6. You Don’t Pay For Your Drinks… Your a Bro-Deal Kind of Guy
The operative word in ski bum is BUM. So it goes without saying, buying rounds of drinks is not your strong suit. However, giving out bro-deals is. Whether that is a free tune, chicken fingers from the resort owned restaurant, or a semi-pro bro deal on some chill graphic t-shirt/hat merchandise, it all comes around right? Just make absolutely clear to the bartender that this is the case or else the WELL WILL RUN DRY… And we can’t have that can we?
7. You Work 3 Jobs Just for the Hookups
Rental shop for the 3point5 account, restaurant for free food and booze, and ski school once a week for a free pass. Good work. That off-season vacation to Costa Rica is now a reality.
8. You Don’t Know the Names of Runs
Trail names are for gapers and instead of referring to your favorite runs by their resort appointed names, you use your own nomenclature. “The Zone, Gondi Line, and The Bowl” are all names commonly used by ski bums but never by a tourist. As a result your favorite stashes remain secret from eavesdropping gapers and that’s pretty cool bro.