So you’ve moved to Whistler to dirtbag for the winter. You’re a ripper skier, you’ve got some quasi sponsors and a Gopro and you think you’re the shit. Party every night, ski every day…in Whistler.
But tell me this, CAN YOU GET LAID?
Probably not, no matter what you tell your bros. And I’m not talking about drunken, barely memorable sex. I’m talking about good sex…sex with hot women that lasts more than five minutes. Afternoon sex; the kind you skip after-ski beers for. Oh, you don’t want to miss havin’ a beer with yer buddies at the shithole Crystal Lounge? Well go fu*k yourself then. Enjoy the Seven Eleven burrito, cheap beer and sleeping on the couch in your ski clothes, douchefag. Meanwhile your buddy is off to some local yoga girl’s hot tub having tantric sex and eating a fine meal – all in time for a good night’s sleep and freshies in the a.m.
And trust me when I say that I know what I’m talking about. I have enjoyed all that Whistler has to offer, from skiing classic lines to picking up the local bartender. And this town is lucrative. But being a skid just won’t cut it.
So let’s start with some basics. First off, pull your freaking pants up, you idiots. Do you really think chicks, even snowboard chicks, actually like it when you wear your pants below your arse? Jesus man. You’re not in prison. Women don’t want a little skid boy who looks as if he’s shit himself. They want a man. I’ve spoken to a lot of women in this town from fresh off the boat 20 year-olds to the 35 year-old yoga instructors and they all say the same thing: Sure, there are lots of boys in Whistler, but there are no MEN.
I’m not asking you to give up your dirtbag status. You can keep that. But if you want to get laid, then stop acting like a little skid boy and start being a man. Ski hard, sure. But maybe put some deodorant on, learn to get a woman off and don’t express pride to a broad at how cool you are ‘cause you can’t pay your rent and you live off Kraft Dinner and Chef Boyardee. And maybe, just maybe, stop smoking so much goddamn weed all the time. Save it for the climbs when you’re out in the backcountry with the boys. If I approach a woman stoned out of my tree bragging about how big an air I hucked she’ll roll her eyes and tell me she has to go to the bathroom.
That’s this week’s top tip: Pull up your pants and respect yourself a little more. Maybe get on the moderate drug and alcohol program. Wear a belt, build a little stamina for the bedroom and shave once in a while. This may sound ridiculous, but by god it works. And there’s nothing better than capping off an epic day with a good shag and warm meal.