I held out on the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) for a looooooong time. I considered myself a cinephile movie snob who thought that any superhero movie was beneath my upper-echelon of interests.
I’m here to tell you I was a fool. A big, stupid, idiotic, fool, I tell ya!
The pandemic freed up my schedule, and I reluctantly succumbed to watching men and women in tights fighting imaginary bad guys. To say I got hooked would be an understatement.
I’m still playing catch-up (I need to watch The Falcon & The Winter Soldier, Hawkeye, and Moon Knight), but I’m totally in on the Marvel movies and series. Those goddamn geniuses over at Disney/Marvel have literally created an entire universe of connected storylines, and I’m constantly in awe.
So, I figured, why not do some old-fashioned blogging and try to imagine what kind of skiers/snowboarders the heroes of Marvel would be.
All opinions are my own. I hope you enjoy this nonsense!
Gear: Ruroc Helmet, Augmented Reality Goggles with Heads Up Display Carv Digital Ski Coach, Heated Base Layers
Details: Tony Stark, aka Iron Man, would be the most high-tech kitted out dbag that you would ever see on the slopes.
He could certainly create his own custom gear that would beat out anything on the market, but it’s fun to imagine being one of those dude that invests in every ‘high-tech’ gadget that comes out.
He’s the guy you look at in the liftline and ask yourself, ‘Who does that guy think he is? Iron Man?!’ Except, well yeah, he actually IS Iron Man.
Stark would probably dissect every ski resort’s technological shortcomings to the point that it would ruin the experience for everybody. He’d constantly be complaining that the chairlifts are too slow, the snowmaking isn’t optimized for peak performance, and the groomers are inefficient.
He’d complain all day looking like an absolute clown, and then walk into the lodge and pull the attention of every single female with ridiculous good looks, quick wit, flashy gear, and intelligence.
Meanwhile you’re sitting in the corner sipping a cold one by yourself after ripping the hardest line at the resort. Chicks dig Iron Man. Nothing you can do about it…
Gear: Winterstick Ark, Hooded Balaclava, Dragon NFX Spyder Collab Goggles, Fingerless Gloves
Details: Peter Parker, aka Spider-Man, would be the ultimate park rat…er…spider? Imagine how sick he would be flying around the halfpipe or ripping down a slopestyle course with his athletic abilities? Dude would make today’s pros look like toddlers learning to heel side turn.
With that being said, he would definitely be the dude at the park that shows off just a little too much, ya know? Skiing and snowboarding is all about giving props to people when they do something impressive, but I don’t think it would take very long for all of us to start rolling our eyes.
We’d all be queued up for the jump line, and Peter f’ing Parker would literally swoop in on a web, boost 300′ feet off the kicker, lace some ridiculous aerobatics, and then ride away like nothing happened.
What a show off.
Gear: American Flag Onesie, Leather Gloves, Shane McConkey Saucer Boy Sled, Rossignol Soul 7s
Details: Steve Rodgers, aka Captain America, would be one of those vanilla skiers who adds a little bit of flair to their kit during holidays and special occasions. His American Flag onesie would show his bold patriotism, but his skiing style would remain mundane and non-interesting.
Rodgers probably heard from a friend of a friend of a friend that the Soul 7s were the ‘Ski Mag’s Best All-Mountain Ski In 2014’ and he has no intentions of ever deviating from his basic-ass equipment.
Captain America would be a good skier, don’t get me wrong, but he’d always play it safe, and stick to the easier line whenever given the choice.
He’s the guy you constantly see on the mountain and think to yourself, “That dude has so much potential. If only he wasn’t a scared little b*tch and took a little bit of risk every once in a while.”
Gear: Matching Black Bogner Pants & Jacket, No Helmet, No Goggles, Blizzard Black Pearl 82
Details: Natasha Romanov, aka Black Widow, would fit the stereotype of every wealthy Russian skier you’ve ever encountered.
Her beautiful hair would be flowing in the wind, her skin-tight Bogner suit would show off her athletic figure, and her Blizzard Black Pearls would be perfect for her hard-charging on-piste Super-G turns.
Romanov’s form would be impeccable, but her habit of smoking cigarettes in the lift line would probably get old. She’s the type of skier that you think must be cold, but doesn’t seem affected by the elements despite her minimal outwear apparel.
She’ll fly by you on your favorite groomer, cut a few people in the lift line, and nobody will say anything because she’s too intimidating.
Gear: Sims Halfpipe 88/89, Neon Outwear, Carrera Cup Goggles
Details: Peter Quill, aka Star-Lord, is the vintage music-loving leader of Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy. Quill is stuck in the 80s when he was abducted as a child, so why shouldn’t his ski gear be too?
Star-Lord would be that guy on the slopes that uses vintage gear unironically. He’s so stuck in his ways that he refuses to use anything made after 1990, and he honestly doesn’t care.
He’s at the resort to slide on snow, but he’s mostly there for the party scene. I mean, who doesn’t love a neon-clad bro who shows up to the Après-scene with a box of pre-rolled joints and a six pack?
Quill would probably be halfway-decent on the slopes given the fact that he’s a demigod, but again, that’s not what he’s here for. He’s at the resort to soak up the sun, stare at the hunnies, and be the life of the party.
He’s the kind of guy you like to know, but don’t ever want to be.
Let us know if you liked this blog. I can work on another 5 Marvel and/or DC superheroes if you guys want more.- Matt
Header Image Credit: Thekingblader995