UNOFFICIAL NEWS: Procrastinating Colorado Ski Bum Seriously Regrets Not Buying Pass Earlier

UNOFFICIAL NEWS: Procrastinating Colorado Ski Bum Seriously Regrets Not Buying Pass Earlier

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UNOFFICIAL NEWS: Procrastinating Colorado Ski Bum Seriously Regrets Not Buying Pass Earlier

Meanwhile on the hill… | Photo: Ruth Hartnup | Cover: Phillip Capper 

Avon, Colorado – Early season storms have Colorado skiers in a frenzy as major resorts like Vail, Breckenridge, and Arapahoe Basin have all announced record-breaking opening days for the 2018-2019 season.

Eagle County local Charlie Hucktooth saved approximately $793 from his door-to-door composting business this past summer but is still just $156 short of this year’s Epic Pass price-tag. And with a banner early season already in the books, he’s never felt more November FOMO in his life.

“It’s horrible. Usually this time of year, the only option is dodging gapers on the White Ribbon of Death like you’re Han Solo pummeling through an asteroid field,” Hucktooth lamented. “Instead, my friends are out there shredding blower pow already, and they don’t even bother to ask if I want to apres.”

Hucktooth said he’d probably buy a pass next Tuesday. This reporter informed him that the cutoff date is this upcoming Sunday.

Aside from the local hills, bottomless turns are even being documented in some of the Front Range’s most popular backcountry zones.

“The top lot at Berthoud was a circus yesterday,” reported Grand County local sledneck Timmy Knuckles. “Someone had even set up one of those inflatable, dancing tube men. Like the ones you see at car dealerships. When we pulled up we thought it was a music festival.”

No doubt about it, Colorado’s ski community is stoked about the early season goods. With more storms in the forecast and some relentless resort marketing, it’s sure to be a deep holiday season.

Unofficial Reporting by Craig Malkmes

*This is a work of satire. 

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