The autumn months were made for the weak. Excessive beer drinking while watching NFL Sunday Ticket is not the most physically intense activity in the world. So in order to let everyone know that you’re keeping those legs looking like genetically modified corncobs through the fall—do the following.
Pole Assisted Rollerblading
Rollerblading is as cool as it gets—but add in poles and it’s pretty much like being Alberto Tomba on asphalt. However, don’t forget the wrap around Oakley’s and spandex, which give off the IronMan vibe. Just don’t skimp on aerodynamics as the wind will shame the excess pounds from your stomach and add excess pounds to your legs.
Get that shuttlecock flying and don’t forget that bodily sacrifice comes with the territory. The awkward lateral movements and acceleration necessary to be a good badminton player are the same movements that make a beautiful skier. So get out there and start banging a cock around Richie Tenenbaum style.
Downhill Trail Running
Most alpine skiers spend about 2% of their time on the mountain hiking uphill. They spend the other 98% heading downhill. So why would you run uphill? Answer: You wouldn’t, so with Forrest Gump knee braces attached to both legs, take the summer lift up the local ski hill and bound down the mountain, jumping off would be pillows and maching down the main bowl. Think I’m joking? Think again. Just check out this video of Pascal Budin. Because speed-skier Pascal Budin does not mess around.
40 oz. curls above 10,000 ft.
There’s nothing like a workout/reward at the top of a hike. So during the next walk with your buddies, bring two 40 oz. Mickey’s in the backpack for extra weight. Once you top out above 10k feet, do 100 curls with both arms, holding 40 ounces of malt liquor in each hand. After 100 reps, proceed to drink both before taking your first step off the mountain. The effect of the Malt Liquor requires serious accommodation and acclimation. Result: sharper reaction times when sober as well as high altitude training extending your endurance.
Run Around Town During Pubic Events/Holidays
Whether it’s the 4th of July or Memorial Day parade, take some laps around town to let everyone know that ski training doesn’t stop on national holidays normally meant for drinking Budweiser. The holiday with the most impact is Halloween, where trainees can dress like Prefontaine and run around the DJ party, while downing mixed drinks and talking to women during sub-5 minute miles around the dance floor.