Now and then, amongst the partisan swamp that is Washington’s District of Columbia, a movement brings together members from both sides of the aisle to right an obvious wrong. No, we’re not talking about gun control, that’d be too obvious for 2018.
This morning, party leaders Mitch McConnell and Chuck Schumer came together to cap the production of self-righteous content in ski and snowboard movies for the next 10 years. Titled, “The anti-Narcissism In Ski And Snowboard Movies Act,” the bill essentially commissions The Committee To Support Non-Self Righteous Ski Movies. The group’s charter dictates that it will oversee what is appropriate for the skiing and riding audience.
“For far too long have we, the skiing public been forced to listen to these blazed action sports athletes tell us how to live our lives. We just want to see them shred and this bill is a positive step in that direction,” said an obviously pleased Chuck Schumer from the steps of Capitol Hill.
Mitch McConnell echoed that sentiment standing alongside the Democrat, “this year I was told 5 times in one movie that I was supposed to reevaluate my choice of working in the government and move to a cat skiing operation in BC solely based on the ‘epic snow’ and ‘absolutely gnar’ terrain. Enough is enough. I don’t care how great it is ‘living the dream’ in BC”
From preaching about their choice of “living the dream” and how life can only be found “between the lines,” mainstream skiers and riders are tired of hearing their heroes brag about how sick they are– not to mention the “sacrifices” they’ve made to become pro.
The new bill will end this practice by not only limiting athlete interviews/voice-overs in the movies themselves, but the law will prohibit them from showing their faces without goggles.
Donning a pair of snowblades around his neck from behind his oval office desk, Donald Trump said this was the first in what would be, “the best bi-partisan ski bills the world has ever seen.” Although unsubstantiated the president continued by claiming, “and if anyone breaks this amazing, splendid law, we’ll make them build a wall between Aspen and Vail. So there.”
*This is a work of satire.