Image by Gabriela Palai

6 months since committing to an unhealthy relationship with someone he doesn’t even like, 27 year-old Sun Valley resident David Murphy is officially in it for the long haul.

During a casual Monday date night that just so happened to occur in conjunction with happy hour at Sushi on Second, Murphy’s girlfriend, Tatiana Wither locked eyes with Murphy before uttering the words, “I love you Dave.” With his eyes directed at a poster of Lindsey Vonn just beyond Wither, he feigned a response that will haunt him for years if not a lifetime: “I love you too.”

The waitress serving their table recounted the expression of love telling reporters that the beleaguered man let out a sigh just after saying the words, which were met with tears of joy from Tatiana. When asked later by a friend, “what were you thinking?” David’s only response was, “all I could think about was not getting laid for another 5 years… my hormones took over from there.”

Wither’s roommate told Unofficial Networks that she heard the half-happy couple return home but was woken in the middle of the night to what she believed was “a man crying” in Wither’s room. The roommate also reported hearing bed boards knocking against the wall at approximately 6am before a two-person visit to the bathroom.

*This is a work of satire

Also Read: GoPro Stock Plummeting Alongside Demise Of Dubstep

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