Unofficial News: Local Bro Stoked On Shitty, End Of Season Bonus

Unofficial News: Local Bro Stoked On Shitty, End Of Season Bonus

ALL

Unofficial News: Local Bro Stoked On Shitty, End Of Season Bonus

Photo: 3brian | Cover: Johan Viirok

Blake Markowitz, a 24 year-old who lives in Avon, CO is reportedly “going out huge tonight” after receiving his end of season bonus from the resort-owned lunch spot for whom he works.

Related: What Your Ski Boots Say About You As A Person | Ski Stereotypes [Part 5]

The check showed up at Markowitz’s PO Box on the first of May. He told Unofficial Networks that he didn’t necessarily expect a bonus, seeing as he didn’t get one during his first two years at the Vail’s Eagle Head restaurant. “It’s nice to see the resort cares,” he says. “Offseason can be really tough on my bank account and this $150 check is really gonna help get me through the month.”

During peak season, Markowitz makes anywhere from $400-800 a month, depending on the length of his daily ski break. 

Making $10.20/hour, Markowitz normally sticks to Pabst Blue Ribbon, homegrown weed, and lots of “dank stir-fry” but according to his friends, “he gets pretty loose after a few shots of Jamo.”

Markowitz’s roommate, “Big Air Tommy” Flynn told this reporter, “I fully expect him to down a few shots and for that bonus to disappear tonight.” Flynn went on to explain how the line cook has a “100% chance” of being the drunk dude at the bar, wasting his paltry bonus on the 2-3 girls who are still in town.

Right before this article was published, Flynn reached out to notify us that not only did the bonus disappear last night during a Grateful Dead cover band at Sugar Magnolia’s, but he actually overdrew his debit card by some $150. That resulted in a reciprocal $150 penalty from his regional bank.

While his financial prospects might not be great for the remainder of the summer, his roomie claims, “Ole Marko[witz] got his last night and ended up hooking up with his manager at The Eagle Head… So maybe he’ll get a better bonus next year?”

*This is a work of satire.

More Unofficial Networks
Home