Finding time to drop knees is getting more and more difficult each season for 47 year-old tele skier David Fender.
With a couple of children in tow, the Medeski, Martin, and Wood superfan and Crested Butte local is having a hard time finding time to get in shape to drop a knee. Despite his lack of overall fitness, Fender’s friends are perplexed by the fact he continues to ski on a tele setup without even so much as attempting to drop a knee. Fender says he remains a tele skier “through and through” and hasn’t “sold out like the rest of them.”
Fender justifies the move claiming, “I still drop a knee from time to time.”
That claim was disputed by his long time backcountry partner and alpine skier, Fred Smithers who told Unofficial Networks, “yeah, he still drops knees… And I’m the richest dude in Gunnison County.”
Others have since confirmed the growing allegation, telling UN the only time they’ve seen Fender ski this season was on his way to the Avalanche Bar & Grill. “I’ve only seen Dave on the hill once this season,” claims a friend of Fender. “He was taking one run doing alpine turns all the way to the Avy for aprés.”
When asked by UN whether he’s considered switching to alpine, Fender took the inquiry personally and fired back saying, “my heel is free and so is my mind, I’ll never go to the dark side.”
Fender was last seen driving the kids to school with his idle tele skis on the roof rack, all the while listening to his 10 year-old daughter’s favorite new track by Selena Gomez.
*This is a work of satire.