1. You’re In Your 40’s and Still Live With a Roommate
It’s been 25 years since you moved to Mt. Tomahawk and you still have a roommate. Not only that but your roommate still refuses to do the dishes, change the toilet paper roll, and keep his grubby hands off your leftover curry. Fuck.
2. Every New Piece of Gear is…
“A piece of shit.” Snowboards… shit, rocker… shit, “auto-turn” skis… shit. It’s all shit now, except for your Dynastars, Look bindings, and Lange boots. However, after a while those turn to shit too.
3. Pizza Diet
After living around Mt. Tomahawk for 20 some years, your main dietary staple is still Pizza—by the slice and a PBR tallboy.
4. You’re “Over It”
In mid-January, you’re already “over-it.” Instead of skiing, you go fishing, attend mid-day matinees, and pick up as many shifts as possible so you can head to warmer climates in the off-season. When asked if you want to go on a classic backcountry mission, you claim, “I did that a couple years back and the approach sucked.” Big surprise.
5. You Have the Same Car…
That you had when you first moved to Mt. Tomahawk in 1992. It just so happens that car is a 1992 Subaru Legacy Wagon a.k.a. “The Shaggin Wagon.”
6. The Bartender Is Your Boy
You’re patronage is extended to your favorite bar only. The bartender moved to town at the same time as you and nowadays, you two form a mutually symbiotic relationship. For free beers and whiskey’s, he receives a larger than average tip. However, he only extends the deal to you because if he gave the bro-deal to anyone else, he’d lose his job and you’d be out of a watering hole.
7. One Lift Only
You ride one lift, all day, every day. You know where the best terrain is. Why ski anywhere else? You only ski other lifts if extreme winds close your favorite lift, at which point you bitch about the inferiority of all other lifts when compared to YOUR LIFT.
8. Your Bumper Stickers Say You’re Local
How you can see out of your rear window is beyond me. However, the amount of politically active bumper stickers on your car is akin to tree rings on an old growth pine. The totals tell of your age/level of crustiness. Note: If you display a “Native” or “Local” bumper sticker, you are automatically not a local or native of the area you claim.
9. Where Did They All Go?
Over the course of your career as a ski bum living at Mt. Tomahawk, only one of the seven people you’ve dated remains. That one ex is now married to the town real estate mogul and is doing pretty, pretty good.
10. You Hate Any and All Tourists
No matter who they are, you hate them. Even though they’ve been your lifeblood since moving to a ski town, you hate them. Still, hope remains that one day all these gapers will “get a clue.”