Researcher Says Aspen Resident Likely The 'Healthiest Alcoholic In The World'

Researcher Says Aspen Resident Likely The 'Healthiest Alcoholic In The World'


Researcher Says Aspen Resident Likely The 'Healthiest Alcoholic In The World'


Photo: matthew skiles | Cover Photo: Robert Tadlock

Aspen is home to the ‘healthiest alcoholic in the world’; a recognition that one researcher is telling people “‘not to be proud of'” even though some called the achievement “legendary.”

Related: Fear Of Never Getting Laid Again Keeps Ski Bum In Unhealthy Relationship

A physician and senior researcher, David Snelling recently conducted a study in order to identify the healthiest towns in the country. During his research, the doctor from Salt Lake City met one subject who is redefining the term ‘healthy.’

Rick McGarity, known by his friends as “R&R” was initially labeled an anomaly but after further analysis, Snelling now has the data to back up his claim that he’s found “the healthiest alcoholic in the world.” He went on to call the Aspen bike mechanic “an extreme alcoholic and drug addict” who is also, “unbelievably healthy given the circumstances.”  

When asked about his daily routine, McGarity’s roommate told Unofficial Networks that his friend was indeed special considering his combined love for drinking, skiing, smoking weed, biking, and tripping his balls off on MDMA respectively.

“R&R does it like nobody I know. Dude wakes up, takes 4 bong rips, goes on a 20 mile bike ride, and then shows up at work and starts pounding PBR’s– at least seven by 3pm. That’s every day for R&R”

The roommate went on to explain that whiskey typically got involved after a big day in the shop. From there, McGarity was known to take strange, visiting women out to expensive dinners. That is before spending more money than he made in a single week on MDMA, a drug he’s come to associate with “the best times I’ve ever had.” In a later interview, McGarity went on to explain “I’m doing okay health-wise.”

Which is true, he is doing fine– a fact that Dr. Snelling can hardly fathom. “I mean this kid is doing stuff laced with horse tranquilizers on top of drinking heavily. But that doesn’t seem to stop him from biking, hiking, and skiing. It makes no sense.”

In addition to biking, McGarity is “one of the best skier’s on the mountain” and “fucking rips” in a kayak according to local sources. All those healthy activities have landed this drinking and drugging maniac in the “healthy category” despite his extreme substance habits.

Snelling had just one takeaway for those people who like to party hard and stay extremely active. He explained the toll will likely come to pass during McGarity’s 40’s if not sooner.“Probably between 40-50– he’ll have a heart attack,” said Dr. Snelling with sigh. Since the findings were made public all four of the subject’s roommates cheered on their buddy saying the findings are “fucking legendary” and “run for mayor material.”

*This is a work of satire

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