*This is a work of satire.
When it comes to affordable eateries in Wyoming’s posh Teton Valley, the variety is often described as “few and far between.”
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Even though low-income staples like McDonald’s and Wendy’s call Jackson’s Broadway home, a few low-income locals are banding together to bring more and better fast food offerings to the richest county in the United States. The locals involved hope to get enough petition signatures to make the Teton Chamber of Commerce take notice and address what they refer to as eatery inequality.
“It’s about economic equality,” says Ted “Shred” Powell who works at Last Stop Ski Shop in west Jackson. “Whether you’re bussing tables, waxing skis, or cleaning toilets, the dine-out options for people like me are pretty limited.”
Powell told this reporter that a recent date to the local sushi restaurant forced him to later file for food stamps. According to Powell, the bill was “more than I make in a month at ‘Last Stop.'” Now Powell is forced into a state of embarrassment every time he holds up the line at Smith’s grocery while the cashier checks his “food coupons.”
“If word gets out I’m using food stamps– I’ll never get laid in this town again. None of these Deerfield girls want a guy who uses food stamps!” Local Sources later confirmed Mr. Powell’s statement as true. Deerfield girls don’t want anything to do with food stamps.
“I want a place where I can treat dates to an affordable meal without the grimy feeling of sitting down in a McDonald’s… Something like In-N-Out Burger.” – Ted ‘Shred’ Powell, Jackson Local
Since launching the petition effort, Powell has received upwards of 500 signatures from people expressing their desire to dine at a variety of low-cost establishments that include everything from Chick Fil-A to Five Guys. Powell says he hopes the Teton County Chamber of Commerce takes the petition seriously and begins actively pursuing bringing fast food eateries to Teton Valley.
“We understand the concerns and needs of the low-income residents of Jackson” said Chamber CEO, Dennis Reitman. “However, the only establishment that matched our aesthetic requirement is Cracker Barrel.”
As this article was being published, we received word that Cracker Barrel representatives had been contacted by the Chamber, which expressed its desire to bring their famous ‘Chicken and Dumplings’ to the town of Jackson in the near future.