Birds chirping, beers cans ksshh-popping, and skiing from slushy slopes to the slope-side bar– this is what spring means to ski bums across the world. However, behind this seemingly joyous season of longer days, stinky draft beer, and bikini tops lies something sinister waiting to end any and all ski town relationships. Whatever the case, your ski town relationship is over, done, finished… and ultimately– spring will be to blame.
You may be asking yourself, how can a season be so destructive?
Good question. However, I’d ask you the same question as you sit there in the sun, chugging PBRÂ tallboys, smoking joint after joint, and missing 5 of your last 6 days of work. There’s just something about spring that makes all skiers and snowboarders lose control.
Here are The 5 Reasons Why Spring Means Your Ski Town Relationship Is Over…
5) Sun Affect
In the spring, the snow gets cooked by the sun and so does the ski bum’s brain. After being hidden for the majority of winter, the spring’s sunny rays are reflected off alabaster skin and snow, which ultimately leaves ski bums completely delusional. All of a sudden, people who you never considered attractive are transformed into shimmering sexual angles sent down from heaven to sleep with you. This comes as unpleasant news to your significant other and the relationship ends with a pitcher of draft beer on your head and a lonely month of April.
4) The Pre-Severance Package
While ski season come to a close, resort bartenders employ a pre-severance package that includes two beers for the price of one for all their fellow resort employees. This steal of a deal comes at a price though. Before you know it, that one beer turns into 10 and you’re getting a little too friendly with your best friend’s boyfriend in public.
3) Time To Lose A Layer
After a season of being bundled up in Goretex, goggles, and buffs, the mysterious identities of ski bums are slowly revealed in spring. What was once hidden is now revealed and ski bums from both sexes find themselves insatiably craving a new lay while changing out of ski clothes in the ski locker. Before you know it, layers are shed, vows of loyalty are broken, and someone needs to clean that bench.
2) Late Night Happy Hour Vs. Alpine Starts
This is the reason for hundreds of springtime acts of infidelity. While one person loves spring for its alpine starts and stable snowpack, the other craves the nightlife after a long day of drinking. So while, the ski mountaineer partner is early to bed, early to rise. The other is getting drunk, laid, and changing the sheets before their significant other gets back from bagging couloirs.
1) Wolverines
Wolverines are ski bums who haven’t gotten laid all season and like wolverines coming out of hibernation, they will feed on anyone and anything. At first, their sexual advances are futile due to their winter mange. However, once alcohol enters the equation, their ski bum musk wafts into the air and suddenly your boyfriend/girlfriend relents. Ultimately, the significant other is bound for the wolverine’s hairy clutches– it’s nature taking care of nature– plain and simple. That said, you can’t go for Wolverine sloppy seconds.
The good news?
Summer and 90-day wonders are just a couple of months away. Until then, ski powder while you can because like your relationship, it’s on the outs as well.
Also Read: How Tinder is Changing Ski Towns For—E⎯VER!