Jackson, WY- As of Monday, Alden Phillip Deming, a former investment banker from Manhattan turned chairlift operator, has been approved for unemployment benefits through the summer of 2015.
Deming, who recently escaped the hustle and bustle of New York City, arrived in Jackson, WY back in November. Once in Jackson, the former banker moved into a house with two college classmates and pays $1,000 a month for his 300 square foot room located on Kelly St.
“It’s a pretty good deal,” says Deming “all in all, I paid over $4,500 for my tiny place in the West Village. Now, I get to live right in town and spend time with some buds from college—it’s really not a bad deal.”
And that deal just got even sweeter.
Deming, who worked for an investment bank until the end of October, moved to Jackson Hole and received a chairlift operator position by late November. Once the ski season ended in April, Deming began contemplating his next job. That is when friend and fellow St. Lawrence alumni, Tom Montgomery suggested, “Hey man… just collect unemployment” adding, “I do it every summer and work under-the-table one day a week at The Golf Club so I can play golf for free.” Deming couldn’t believe his ears. Immediately, his financial mind kicked into high gear.
“I realized that I could make a percentage of my earnings from the past fiscal year without having to work from 7 till 9 everyday,” said the financial maven.
After recognizing this crucial avenue, Deming took advantage… quickly. One day later, he filed for unemployment, noting that two quarters of earnings from his banking gig would apply to his current filing. “Basically I was making over $200,000 while doing the ‘I-banking’ thing in the city and now I’ll get a generous percentage of that all the way through the summer—That’s pretty sweet if you ask me.”
When asked whether or not he thinks it’s fair to take unemployment while living a life of leisure in a ski town, Deming responded, “Hey—it’s there for the taking and if I don’t use it, someone else will.” To which Montgomery responded, “Yeah and now you get to join the United States Government Ski Team!”
Meanwhile, Deming has an appointment to show the Wyoming Department of Workforce Services some defunct applications to be a river guide. Deming has no experience with rafting, swift water rescue, or wilderness first aid. “Basically, I apply to dream jobs with absolutely no experience, knowing good and well that I won’t get the job,” stating “If I wanted the job, I’d do the training but why do the training when I can collect unemployment and have my friends guide me down the river on their day off?”
Furthermore Deming’s tastes have returned to their New York ways. “When I lived in the city, I was drinking McClelland’s Single Malt Scotch every night with a single ice cube and snorting $100 bags of pure cocaine. When I moved to Jackson, I started drinking Fireball with a single ice cube and smoking cheap marijuana instead,” to which he acknowledged, “I really missed drinking all that McClelland and now that I’m getting a percentage of my earnings from NYC, I can start drinking the good shit again… thank God.” However, Deming conceded that “the coke on the other hand, costs $200 a bag and the people selling the stuff in Jackson make the dealers in Washington Square look like Mitt Romney.”
*note: This was a work of satire