A wiser man than myself once said: “Beware the ides of March.” And that’s today, so naturally, there should smack talk.
The Snowlerblade Chinese Downhill is still over a week away on Saturday, March 26, but the smack talking between comptetitors has already begun. Warning, the letter below will hurt your feelings:
“Hello douchenuggets floating on your endless seas of recently effused douche (to some know as Ontario and Calgary and before you get started, yes I have unfortunately been there and spent a night in jail in Thunder Bay it was all a sea of douche along with all the rest of the non-Californian world),
Welcome to California (ie the coolest place on Earth. Again, I’ve been around and tested this statement thoroughly and yes, California is by far the coolest, thanks for reading) you savage snow monkeys.
Before you even get here, you should know that much of what you think of as California is really a state of mind. Living and skiing here is about embracing how much cooler you are than everyone else, and I mean really embracing it. “Oh, you guys think you’re so cool!” you might be thinking. Let me assure you, it’s not that we think we are cool, it’s that we know it, and embrace it. Embracing it is the key.
You think you’re gonna come out to California and try to beat me on Snowlerblades? Awww, that IS cute. Well, fiction CAN be fun. Gosh, it really can be. But, unfortunately for you, I have been lifting weights and doing cocaine all day and I want a big piece of you!
Did you know that Snowlerblades were actually invented in California? Well, now you do. Snowlerblades, along with surfing, chinese downhills, skateboarding, the internet, and pants. Yes, pants.
Despite having never been closer than 17 meters to snowlerblades, I am from California, and I’m just intelligent enough to: “Remember to Always Totally Dominate”. And, yes, I will be utilizing said tactic in said competition, sorry.
Domination will be absolute and swift and dominant and dominating.
Despite all this I look forward your submission in this competition. So bust out those oars, grab something to float on, and vigorously paddle through that bubbling, festering sea of douche to California and enjoy some our state of mind.