telemark skiing, looking like a dork
Telemarking? Seriously?  Are people really still telemarking?”

“Yes, my friend, unfortunately they still are.”

“Why, Joey, why would anyone perform this hideously archaic form of gay ski ballet?”

“Well, lend me your ear friend and allow me to explain.

You see, it’s actually very simple.  This savage breed of homo erectus happens to be a group of obnoxiously atrocious skiers.  Having realized this disheartening fact long ago, these poor wretched bastards consciously ‘give’ themselves a handicap (i.e. tele gear) and by doing so daftly shout out to the world “Hey, look at me, I’m special, I’m different, I’m on Teles!!  Well, of course I can’t keep up or land anything, I mean, c’mon man, I’m on f@$kin’ Teles over here!!!”

sticker, telemark skiing
The psychological implications of this deranged state, called tele, are extremely sad and should be quietly tucked away into a cushy, not-too-steep, ski hill asylum somewhere in Vermont that serves vegan organic granola-on-a-stick and has daily support groups for incompetence.  Yet, these horrible douchenuggets continue to slam their problems directly into our faces at our local ski resorts every day while flaccidly trying to convince us that telemarking is all about ‘soul’. 

“What’s ‘soulful’ about sucking at skiing, Joey?”

“Well, you have a point there good buddy.  It turns out that absolutely nothing is ‘soulful‘ about sucking at skiing.

Fortunately, I was able to do some research into the ‘soul‘ of telemark skiing and it turns out to be the exact same sort of ‘soul‘ that 8-track tapes, horse-drawn carriages, and pit outhouses have in common.  ‘Soul‘ as it refers to telemarking is, in it’s essence, an out-dated, inadequate, godawful, worthless, defunct, low performance version of it’s new age counterpart.

“But, Joey, what does it all mean?”

“Ok, I can see that I’m confusing some of you.  So, here it is, spelled out for you simply:

In place of actually ripping and keeping up with the boys, you can spend an extra thousand bucks on flimsy tele gear and you’ll never have to stomp a landing nor keep up with your buddies again.

In a very sick way, it’s ingenius!  Tens of thousands of crappy skiers save face every year by showing up to the lift a minute behind their ski buddies and proudly proclaiming “Dude, I was tele-shreading that slope back there soooooo hard brah, did you see those tuuuurrrrnnnnnsssss!?”

“Wow, it’s worse than I feared.  So what can we do to help them, Joey?”

“You’ve got a great heart buddy.  But, unfortunately, very few of these savages ever recover from this abominable disease.  The only thing we can really do is pray for them.  Pray they all start skinning up to that great telemark Valhalla in the sky and never come back to bother us again.”

Want to learn more about the lameness of telemark skiing?  Read on:

Here are 3 quotes from the great Andrew McLean, the most hard-core backcountry skier on Earth, on telemark vs. AT in terms of Weight, Safety, and Functionality:

“It is one of the engineering marvels of the world how a tele binding with half the function and parts of an AT binding can weigh over twice as much.”

“AT bindings use a mechanical system of springs and cams to release the skier at a predetermined load. Tele bindings stick with their organic roots by using your ACL as a biological release mechanism.  The AT system is reset by stepping back into it, and the tele system is reset by stepping into an emergency room.”

“For years, telemark binding designers have struggled to find a balance between having freedom on the uphill and control on the downhill. The result is a nearly perfect division of performance: the uphill inefficiency is equal to downhill instability.”

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130 Comments

  1. mtnson179 says:

    Whoa! You must be one of those lazy mofos who never wanted to put effort into learning how to ski well. You probably take any crutch that is handed to you in the hopes that one day you might resemble something that looks like an accomplished skier. Hope you have fun dragging your fat donut butt around with your heels locked down.

    Reply
    • Alastair says:

      Naw you all have it wrong. It’s not skiing Tele or Alpine that’s totally lame and for people who can’t ski. It’s any skiing on modern shaped skis at all. You all have two glorified snowboards under your feet. Try shredding bumps on K2 VRPs at 190cm like I do. Then you can talk smack about ski technique. Learn to unweight and we’ll talk.

      -MittersillManiac

      Reply
      • thew says:

        Agreed! Those new hourglass skis are the worst thing to happen to the slopes ever. I still ride some oldskool 1986 Atomic ARC 195, some 205 RudeDawgs, and for those lame days with crap snow, I got the Salomon blades or Sims board. I’d dress like it was 1985 and pimp those teles before I got on a pair of shaped skis.

        Reply
      • KevP says:

        I`am with ya there ,only I`am on 205s & I`am 5’9″ and 140lbs

        Reply
      • Disdik says:

        Congrats Alastair, you come off just as douchey and self righteous as any telemarker I’ve ever met.

        Reply
    • I’d like to thank Joey for single handedly making more people interested in Telemark skiing then I can while touring around the world trying to spread the Freeheel love. I have made a career as a Telemark skier, and attitudes like this in the Alpine world have been around forever, and have always turned more people into Freeheelers then they have turned away. Scorned by “Bro-Brah Joey’s” they then get on the chair with a stoked freeheeler and fall in love with our small core community of folks who simply enjoy their art, and take pride in not trying to be so “Bro-Brah” cool all the time. That seems more exhausting then freeheel turns.

      Reply
  2. max says:

    youre such a douche bag, man. i own alpine and tele. and i am a way better tele skier than alpine, and i can do more on tele than alpine, that includes stuff in the park. i can shred bumps harder, go faster, better in pow, and i have been on teles half as long. so why dont you chill the fuck out and not shit on something you clearly know nothing about.

    Reply
    • James says:

      One good tele comment among all the crying and BS. Thank you. Unlike all the other tele skiiers on here, you actually make tele skiing look good. To the rest of you, learn from this guy, crying that the author is a douchbag makes YOU a douchbag!

      Reply
    • Seashell says:

      They know not what they say, they are not of free heel, free mind!

      Reply
    • Mike says:

      You must be a really shitty alpine skier, then.

      Reply
  3. NeddyTele says:

    too bad that Joey is just a little upset that these Telemarkers are flying by him on the trails and flying over him while he timidly scouts a cliff landing with his overpriced Black diamond at set up.

    Shape up Joe ;-)

    Reply
  4. Alexander Maddrey says:

    Doesn’t really matter what sport you’re spraying about–climbing, skiing, soccer–to tout your own superior ego by putting down another (and not even putting your real name in the by-line) smacks of hubris and lessens the overall sport.

    Reply
  5. Goose says:

    What the f is the point of this article? Do you even enjoy skiing, or is it just something you do so you can talk shit to gapers? The whole point of skiing is having fun, and if that means cruising on a groomer all day thats great. The difference between teleing and alpine is like riding a longboard or short, they both have their place. Granted I don’t go as fast or as big on my pins, but I’ll stomp a 30 footer and charge past most everyone on the hill, and the smile on my face will be a hell of a lot bigger than yours. If you want a shit talking rivalry why don’t you move back to so cal where you can get in a fucking gunfight with some snowboarders.
    You’re everything that is wrong with the ski industry.

    Reply
  6. mike says:

    tele skiers get more face shots

    Reply
  7. miles clark says:

    Tee hee!

    Reply
  8. Bryan Carter says:

    Hey Joey where can I get one of those Michael cares stickers

    Reply
    • mark says:

      I got a sticker from AMR in Breck that says “your girlfriend cares that I tele.” stuck it right behind the NTN’s on the back of my 105 underfoot 192 atomics.

      Reply
  9. Karl says:

    if nobody cares than why did you take the time to write this? Youve obviously been thinkn a lot about it…r u insecure cause of your secret fantasy of going down on big fat pair of teles?

    Reply
  10. COC Knee-Droppers says:

    If the powder is deep enough, who knows what’s going on under there?

    Reply
  11. Bri says:

    I am in the same boat as max, teleing is a lot more versatile and when you do its for a few years its better than alpine. You can’t really knock on the guy breaking trail for you either Joey. That being said, I laughed my ass off at the article and the cowboy in the photo is out of his f-ing mind.

    Reply
  12. Tahoe Steve says:

    Wow this really got your guys panties in a bunch. Hah pussies.

    Reply
    • #1 tahoe douchenugget says:

      Dont worry about how i get my schralp on brosif! That’s for your MOM to worry about! & If i drop a knee, squat to pee who gives a F$%K.. C U IN LINE @ KT BEE ATCH EZZ!!!! AND one more thing… anybody that calls himself “tahoe steve” needs to get punched in the face!

      Reply
  13. Joey Bagadonuts says:

    Hey, I didn’t mean to pissed anyone off. But, if I did, I’m willing to make it right. Shoot me an email, I’ve got an AT set up for sale.

    Reply
  14. Rich says:

    Can’t stop laughing!

    Reply
  15. Tim Konrad says:

    I don’t know what is funnier. Joey’s post or these comments.

    Reply
  16. Daryn Edmunds says:

    Nice work Joey. I hope I can come up with a way to piss off some lame hippies too;)

    Reply
    • Anonymous says:

      in regards to your forbidden fruit blog and the aforementioned joey douchebag.

      nice to see that the bird is opening up more terrain.

      I skied comma chute many times on my tele skis and I didn’t once get cliffed out. When we were done we didn’t write a blog about how awesome we were or write anything about how dumb and lame everyone else is. We just went skiing and drank beer.

      Maybe you and Joey should go easy on the not-so-veiled threats and insults, and tone down the egos.

      and let’s reserve crucifixion for false prophets and the like…

      Reply
    • telemarking smelly patagonia wearing hippy says:

      in regards to your forbidden fruit blog and the aforementioned joey douchebag.

      nice to see that the bird is opening up more terrain.

      I skied comma chute many times on my tele skis and I didn’t once get cliffed out. When we were done we didn’t write a blog about how awesome we were or write anything about how dumb and lame everyone else is. We just went skiing and drank beer.

      Maybe you and Joey should go easy on the not-so-veiled threats and insults, and tone down the egos.

      and let’s reserve crucifixion for false prophets and the like…

      Reply
      • Chris says:

        In regards to your comment on blogs.

        You might not have gone home after skiing to write a blog but, you did go home and read his.

        Reply
        • Anonymous says:

          chris,
          i don’t have a problem with ski blogs. We all read media about what we love to do. My problem is with bloviating assholes with giant egos who think they own the truth. It’s not the writing itself, it’s the shit that is sprayed and passed off as gospel.

          Reply
  17. Del says:

    was gonna say, “I wonder if Bri read this yet?”

    Reply
  18. Sventele says:

    Joey Donutpoker, you need some companionship. Did the last girl in town leave you for a telemarker or are you just an ignoramus who grew up in gad-for-saken suburban Wal-Mart strip mall? Crack another Red Bull and huck away, dude, if that’s what you think skiing’s about. I’ll admire your fat-ass backslap divots as I rip by in my “flimsy” T-Races in a low-flying power tele, or maybe throw in some high-centered parallel action, just ’cause I’ve got the option, the legs, and the chops and a little diversity is beautiful (or donchyaknow?) … and hey I like to remind myself of lock-heeled days once in a while, even if it was getting boringly easy and the mountains seemed to shrink every year … Now go back to lickin’ Andrew McLean’s AT boots and being a punk-ass ski bigot. It suits you.

    Reply
  19. John Boyer says:

    I think I enjoy the comments as much as the article.
    Ps-I’ve got loads of telemark shit for sale, page me.

    Reply
  20. Justin Marshall says:

    Joey,

    Fact: Every tele skier I know can kick you ass.

    Fact: You are fat.

    As a snowboarder, I still understand exactly what is involved in telemarking, and judging by your mullet, you dont.

    Reply
    • James says:

      “Joey,

      Fail: My ego has been offended by your obviously thoughtless article.

      Fail: This is me reducing my self image to that of a 2 year old.

      As a final comment fail, I’m going to continue to take this whole thing seriously even though I’m not even a tele skiier.

      Reply
  21. stump says:

    Yo Joey ! Get the the dougnut cream out of your ass and find yourself braaaa !

    Reply
  22. dump a lump says:

    Joey !!! My Mom Tele’s…You talk’n smack about my Maaaa !

    Reply
  23. squat to pee says:

    Me, I’m a hardcore snowblader, especially when it’s WAY deep! Oh yeah, and when I reach over my head, my jacket rides up so the world can see my ass crack. I just can’t come to terms with the mobility and shit kickin’ fun free heeling has to offer. I frighten easily.

    Reply
  24. G-Luv says:

    I’ve seen gapers on a sled hill for 2 hrs have more fun than this hater probably does in a season. The fun from the freedom of sliding on snow is indiscriminate to the method in which it is done.

    Reply
  25. evan says:

    Love it! Found this place from a google search for Inkline foot science-good fellas!

    You might be a tele-dude; If you spend more time in yoga than riding a chairlift and your mom has ever wondered at your sexual preferences.

    You might be a tele-chick; If women hate you and dating keeps you from apres-ski nachos-n-beer.

    Reply
  26. Head_Doucher says:

    drop a knee, squat to pee

    Reply
  27. Hurst says:

    Can’t catch me, can’t ski with me, can’t write your way out of paper bag. Next time you insult someone, at least have the decency to know what you’re talking about. I’ve tele’d in places you’ve only dreamed of skiing, and never had anyone catch me from behind that wasn’t straitrunning it. If you’ld ever skied skinny skis, instead of the monsters of ease you ride on today, maybe you’ld have an appreciation for those of us who seek true grace on the snow, and a speed you have only just begun to understand.

    Reply
  28. XJ says:

    Who gives a fuck? Sliding on snow no matter how you do it is fun! Who cares what your preferred method is??????? I don’t, and I know most do not. Just do what you like and don’t give a shit about how others enjoy! Just ski down there and jump off something! Now have a great day any way you prefer!!!

    Reply
  29. Phil says:

    The writer of this article succeeded at what he wanted : shake up a discussion, use the word “gay”, and keep traffic on his website. Nice work everyone….

    Reply
    • Zak says:

      At least Phil get’s it. It’s amazing that people really take this (and themselves) so seriously. I laughed my ass off all the way down to the “Leave a Comment”….ha ha ha.

      Reply
  30. Jimbo Evans says:

    How many telemarkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Two – One to screw it in and one to say ” Nice turns Bra!”

    Reply
  31. God, we never had to endure this kinda bullshit when Peruzzi and Bogoch were editing what was once an incredibly entertaining and informative magazine. If this was a letter to the editor, not even Freeskier would publish it.

    Reply
    • Shlammy says:

      Yet, you took the time to read the whole thing and ENDURE it to the very end. Must be tough to have to ENDURE so so much in life. A tip of the cap to you sir for ENDURING it all so well.

      Reply
  32. Kristian says:

    just wanted to tell you guys that telemark is awesome. One reason is because you can get such awesome powder turnes with them and the second that telemark is from norway and i’m from norway !!!!

    Reply
  33. iski4kix says:

    Nice try Joey you know you only rip on tele because you cant do it

    Reply
  34. Happy says:

    AT= already telemarked

    Reply
  35. sikkbird says:

    I only tele so my friends can keep up.

    Reply
  36. skirecklessly says:

    Lock the heel ski for real, free the heel ski and not stomp?

    Reply
  37. King of the Corduroy says:

    what you have just said, is the most insanely idiotic thing I have ever heard. At no point, in your rambling incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.

    Reply
  38. JC says:

    I think this is hilarious. I am a telemark skier, but really I’m a skier. People who think tele is somehow better or more soul ARE losers and deserve to be ragged on. Especially since a lot of them blow at skiing. Of course a dynafit binding is better than a crappy G3. I tele because I do, that’s what my equipment is and the boots are comfortable.

    Reply
  39. I can crush all you fools. I can tele faster, harder, longer, and grab bigger air than all you AT wannabes. I get more face shots, stronger legs, and hotter chicks because I rock it on tele. I’ll take you on the powder day, in the gates, trees, and rocks. I’ll crush you on the climb, the boot pack, and the walk back to the car. Teles don’t do it to be special, they do it because AT and alpine is too easy. What’s the fun if it’s not a challenge? So I can’t lean back and rest on my heels, bummer. I have to be 100% all the time. That’s why we do it. It’s hard work, but we use work to get ourselves done. The soul is a bonus. You think more about something when it challenges your entire person. Check out Jason West. He will shut you up.

    Reply
  40. Niko Woodwarski says:

    Joey Bagadonuts, I owe you a brew…or a bag of donuts. My side hurts every time I read this article. And the comments are just as good! You people are ridiculous. Stop jerking off your egos and learn to laugh at yourselves. It’s you hippy/hipster douchebags who get all butt hurt when someone gives you a hard time, but will laugh your asses off watching Bill Maher tear into republicans or religious people. Your hand-knit beanie and heli-free wasatch sticker aren’t as cool as you think they are.

    In short, lighten up.

    Reply
  41. powder4ever says:

    hey everybody should calm down about this. Ok yah joey, your an ass for that but cant we all agree that no mater whats strapped/clipped to your feet we are all in it for the snow and the tracks . Who cares how good you are or how your rip it as long as your having fun. Except those crappy boarders/skiers that insist on doing runs much too hard for them on a pow day and scraping all the snow off.

    Reply
  42. Abe says:

    Heres the deal weiners. Tele sucks. there are no advantages unless of course you consider looking like a complete nutsack an advantage. Get some alpines and pull your head outcha ass boiii

    Reply
  43. It's Shelley D says:

    King of the Corduroy gets best comment in my book- I haven’t heard Billy Madison quoted verbatim in years!! yessss…

    stay stoked Tele ppl- FDH as I like to say (fuck dem haters)

    Reply
  44. Fred says:

    I am so much sicker on teleboards than you are, even on a hoverboard.

    Reply
  45. Slade Cussler says:

    I’ve had sex with tele and downhill skiers – the clerk at Wall Mart was better.

    SC

    Reply
  46. dombitch says:

    I’d like to get Slade in my Bindings.

    Reply
  47. Rhino says:

    I don’t sit down to pee and I don’t drop my knee to ski : )

    Reply
  48. FingerLing says:

    I don’t care what “you” people say, I think Joey’s cute – and Joey, I like pastries too, … wanna share my muffin? And Sventele, STAY AWAY FROM JOEY! If I catch you hang’en around, I’ll pull out every strand of your thinning hair!

    And remember Joey, I bend both knees.

    Reply
  49. sage says:

    it’s all about the skibike man!

    Reply
  50. Simon Mason says:

    Wow!! Since when do tele skiers have to justify their choice to small minded homophobes. I enjoy many types of skiing because its fun not because other people think its cool or not.

    Reply
  51. B says:

    What did the tele skier say when his weed wore off?
    -damn, man my bindings are broken!

    Reply
  52. Holmtech says:

    Why the alpine animosity against the tele skiers? It sounds like tele-phobia because there’s no real reason for it. Do you feel the same against snowboarders?

    I’ve alpine skied for 28 years, switched to telemark two years ago and took to it instantly. Until you’ve tried it (and I mean given it a real effort. Half a season or so) you have no idea how it feels. Yes you don’t have as much control, but you can get close. You eat $h!t more but you get used to it. It isn’t meant to be easy, but it is quite enjoyable. I now spend 2/3 of my days on tele skis, and both of my sets of tele skis are fatter than my 2nd gen Seth Pistols. I can honestly say that I am more comfortable on my tele skis than my alpine skis now. I’m not quite as fast as on alpine skis but I have no problems keeping up with my buddies, nor would I have trouble keeping up with most of the D-bags posting here.

    Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. Have you ever noticed that there are never people who have tried tele skiing who will bash on it? Maybe you should give it a shot? Or are you tele-phobic?

    Reply
  53. Janne says:

    Hah. Nice post! I dig it! (Struggling through my own first teleamark season…after some 30 years of alpine…)

    Check out this footage (opening segment). I guess it is something Scandinavia…plenty of guys here that are as good (if not better) than alpine guys on teles:

    http://vimeo.com/7347394

    Reply
  54. Janne says:

    “something Scandinavian”….

    Reply
  55. Sir Farlor Loves Bacon says:

    Most Tele skiers suck. Most Alpine skiers suck and the same with snowboarders. It’s not about what you ride on, it’s about how you ride. I tele, and this whole article and posting frenzie made me laugh! Keep it up! Have fun and drink a PBR every day!

    Reply
  56. anonymous says:

    Telemarking was an everyday useful technique when I started skiing in 1947, on wooden skis without steel edges that had leather beartrap bindings. You guys just do not know what skiing was like in those days with boots that were closely related to today’s hiking boots – no ankle support.. – There were few lifts. I started on Mt. Waterman in So California and went to Alta for powder. Hiking from Alta across the mountains one undid the cable and went telemark style. Redo the cables for downhill.
    That almost went by the boards when I splurged and bought my first pair of Head skis ($50), with Skifree bindings and cables. When modern bindings and plastic boots came along, the ski hills went to hell with all the moguls.
    One could still telemark in deep powder down the Squaw Headwall, in the days when fewer that a couple of dozen people could ski it. The Headwall lift then had 12 seat facing outwards – one set going up the other coming down.
    Plenty of capacity. Nice pleasant enjoyable skiing, quite unlike the downhill of today with the latest gear.
    Last time I skied in 2003, my seven year old grandson was nice enough to wait for me as I slowly came down the hill in grandfather style, with the latest gear, rented for the week.
    Before the first chair went in at Mammoth, the serious guys would hike up the hill for the first run, then taking the rope, that required 10 people to lift on a wet spring day. The first chair lift went in there in 1956. – But later with lifts to the top of mammoth mountain, it was nice to just do downhill.
    You guys just don’t know much about skiing in the old days when it was a peaceful, enjoyable pastime. – But I do remember the first time I managed 20 runs in a day down Wildcat in powder at Alta.

    Reply
    • anaonymous coward says:

      hahahahahahaahaah idk if this was a joke but this made me laugh the hardest out of all of the comments and the article. AT on.

      Reply
  57. Griz Kid says:

    Yes, Telemarking is more difficult than Alpine skiing, it takes better balance. Yes, Telemarking is more tiring; I think it uses about double the energy as Alpine. What most alpine skiers don’t understand is that Tele is a completely different game. It’s like comparing mountain biking with motorcycle riding. When I get tele turns dialed in, it feels I’m dancing with the mountain and I could care less how fast anyone else is going.

    Reply
  58. Knee Dippin Forst Fairy says:

    Hats off to Anonymous Garandad Skier from Back In The Day. What a great post. I learned on leather boots and skinny skis because I wanted to go in the backcountry. I spent a decade happily suffering at Squaw Valley learning to be decent. I miss spending the day under the snow sometimes. I sure appreciate the new skis, it keeps me in the game. I like that my knees are still good. I think fixed-heel gear is hard on your knees. I love Tele but now I hate the weight and the stupid duck-toe. I’ll never quit but I’m the first to say :
    ” Fix the Heel, Fix the Problem” You can go huck your meat for glory and leave the forested glades to us loonies. But more importantly, thanks for the great tales Grandad and the laughs ski-web-nuts.

    Reply
  59. Christ Child says:

    The author is exactly correct. Tele skiing is for gays and people who completely realize they will never approach 1/8th of my skiing talent. I’m the best mothereffing skier at Bridger Bowl and have 2 degrees in Spatial Technologies and Overall BeingTheShit so I would know. One of my very good friends used to tele and was sponsored by big name companies like Smith, Linken, Flylow, and has appearred in a plethora of movies including UnParelled II, and many of the PowderWhore films. While I do think it’s great to be original and different it’s a whole other thing to realize you’ll never be as rad as a badass like me, and when you’re wondering if you can send the living shet out of Bumble Bee shoot and stomp the landing with telegear and realize you’ll die, then do the right thing and at least attempt to be a subpar alpine skiier. Teleskiing can suck the dark yellow urine from my large man sword – yup I said it.

    Reply
  60. sloth says:

    Wow. never thought telemark skiing would brew so much anger!!!
    -angry tele dude

    Reply
  61. Tele Tim says:

    http://vimeo.com/22201781

    Let me know when you can do this on your alpine skis donut boy!

    Reply
    • billy goat says:

      The dude in that video is on NTN bindings (aka tele bindings for old people). I hate to tell ya, but that dude is not very special. He physically cannot drag a knee on the ground – those pins won’t allow it. I tele on hammerheads and 7tm only because I like the 2′s – twice as low, twice as fast, and twice as drop dead sexy. And I also do it so my friends can keep up with me.

      Reply
  62. AT Skier says:

    Lame. Boring. Stupid.

    Reply
  63. Darrell says:

    Check this out

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJojP1pCD6s&feature=player_embedded#at=36

    He’s 21.
    Maybe someday he’ll grow up and get a training heel, but he seems to be doing just fine for now

    Reply
  64. Mich Pavel says:

    Notice who dropped in first into the Chimney and what kind of equipement…looks like Tele!!!! Ouch!!!! That’s all I have to say about that.
    http://unofficialnetworks.com/2011/03/10/international-gnar-video-chimney/#comment-4360

    Reply
  65. stan says:

    i don’t care that nobody cares that i tele. it’s not about the gear, it’s about the glide…

    Reply
  66. I had a great laugh reading this. However, If you spend any time in LCC, UT, you’ll see plenty of tele skiers that keep up with the best alpiners. Furthermore, tele skiing promotes turning and that’s what skiing really is. After spending 23 years resort and back country tele skiing in the Wasatch, I’m now skiing in New England and when i’m on the hill (either resort or bc) there are few that can out ski me. For what it’s worth…

    Reply
  67. Gage says:

    free the heel, free the soul brother

    Reply
  68. I enjoy this debate.....Metaphor time. says:

    See alpine skiing is comparable to spin fishing, doesn’t take much effort and you can be over weight, drink a beer, and not try very hard and you will be good.

    Telemark skiing is comparable to fly-fishing, you need to be actively involved in the process, casting takes years of practice, you cannot be lazy as you need to wade a river, unless you are in a drift boat (this also takes skill during a catch) and it is more satisfying because you are using a fly, that could have take a couple hours to tie prior to really perfecting the process.

    Maybe alpine skiers are focused on the end result (looking good) as opposed to the experience?

    Reply
  69. LMAO in CO says:

    Lovely, just lovely. Based on the comments it sounds like more than a few folks need to develop a sense of humor. Starts with not taking yourselves sooo seriously. It’s called satire – and pretty well done at that. Thanks Joey!

    Reply
  70. Harvey44 says:

    Nobody cares that you don’t care that people tele.

    Reply
  71. Hot tele chick says:

    Just for the record, I’m a woman on tele gear and typically I’m not only keeping up with the guys on alpine gear…I’m waiting for them (and no, they don’t let me go first so they can stare at my ass).

    I alpined for years, but I find tele more versatile and more fun. Plus it’s way more comfortable on my feet and easier on my knees.

    That, and, while anyone can be a decent alpine skier on today’s equipment… I look like a way sexy badass rippin’ turns in the steep and deep on tele gear (at least judging from lift line comments and the number of hoots I get when I schralp the bumps under the chair!).

    Reply
  72. Sick Blade says:

    Really, the only way to shred is on some skiblades, maybe a skibike on deep pow days. I just don’t see the point if you can’t pull a standing 720 in the bumps, although i would be willing to strap into some teles to spend a day chasing hot tele chick around the mountain.

    Reply
  73. hipps in CO says:

    How many telemarkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Three.

    One to screw in the lightbulb and the other two to sit back and say, “Hey man, niiiice tuuuurrrrrrns!”

    Reply
  74. Retard says:

    I hate getting those phone calls. I wonder why people still do that. Ever heard of the DO NOT CALL list?

    Reply
  75. blah blah says:

    Looks like Squaw just bought a mountain full of telemarkers…

    Reply
  76. DIE HIPPIES says:

    BRAAAAAAP

    Reply
  77. Josh says:

    Your girlfriend cares that I tele.

    Seriously though, my tele bindings (22Design Axl) don’t weight twice as much as AT. My whole set up is way lighter than most of what my AT buddies ride, and my Axl’s are bomb proof. Actually, my AT buddies generally have more problems out in the field than me.

    Also, I guess you’ve never heard of NTN bindings (New Tele Norm) that do release and are rock solid.

    I’m not sure I understand your attack on tele. Maybe it’s tongue in cheek, or maybe you just don’t have the skills or patience (or both) to get good at tele. That’s too bad.

    I’ll keep not caring that nobody cares that I tele. We are all bound by our passion for riding the mountain, and we shouldn’t be attacking others for how they choose to descend. Leave the attitude in the city, braaahhh.

    J

    Reply
  78. jman says:

    I ski most of the time at Bridger Bowl in Montana. I doubt there are many areas with a greater percentage of telemarkers and the average ability level of all skiers is pretty darn high, as well. The thing is, you never hear any of this crap on this ski hill. Telemarkers are neither particularly admired or denigrated for their choice of equipment. But if I ever get to the point where I want a dose of either one, all I have to do is travel 50 miles to the destination ski area at Big Sky. There I’ll find plenty of the silliness represented in the above comments.

    Reply
  79. john says:

    If you prefer fixed heel, I think you should do it. It is all about personal preference. I would never poo-poo your choice. But don’t poo-poo others’ choice to do tele. Why I ski tele:
    1) I ski tele because I feel the sensation of the turn is more fun. It is certainly a different inner-ear kinetic experience. Better? I dunno…that depends upon personal preference, but unquestionably different. And for my taste, more fun.
    2) I think it is safer. I do see a lot of pages saying tele has a lower injury rate (and most tele skiers use non-release bindings). see: http://www.ski-injury.com/specific-sports/nordic. I have to imagine the injury rate differential would be even greater if more people used the release tele bindings which are now available.
    3) More thigh and butt exercise.
    That said…people should ski whatever they want and not poo-poo others’ choices. Ski what you want and leave other people alone.

    Reply
  80. austen says:

    i grew up on nordic skis. from age 4-13 i was a downhill nut. season pass every year. thanks dad! from age 13-29 i was all snowboard. only one day of skiing in 16 years. (i thought keystone was board friendly. had to rent skis). 3 years ago i got a crappy tele setup and did 1/2 day boarding 1/2 day tele. this year i am all tele. ALL TELE. I ENJOY TELEMARK MORE THAN ALPINE, SNOWBOARDING AND NORDIC. my very first day of telemark i could keep up with my old crew of snowboarders. there are fewer limits with telemark. period. so fuck you joey. i see you are competing for the top douchebag. and the prize is a fisting by andrew mclean. you sound like a self entitled swamp crotch jock. you say that tele guys are arrogant fags. you are an elitist piece of shit. go toke a douche nozzle you queef stain rump ranger.

    Reply
  81. DOC says:

    What a dumb article.

    Reply
  82. Ty says:

    too bad I shred x10 harder than ANYBODY who left a comment and I shit on the hater who wrote this fucked up article. if you ever see me on the hill or in person, come let me know how gay telemark skiing is…. unofficially, I’m not going to read anymore of this network….

    https://vimeo.com/40342254

    Reply
  83. I’d like to thank Joey for single handedly making more people interested in Telemark skiing then I can while touring around the world trying to spread the Freeheel love. I have made a career as a Telemark skier, and attitudes like this in the Alpine world have been around forever, and have always turned more people into Freeheelers then they have turned away. Scorned by “Bro-Brah Joey’s” they then get on the chair with a stoked freeheeler and fall in love with our small core community of folks who simply enjoy their art, and take pride in not trying to be so “Bro-Brah” cool all the time. That seems more exhausting then freeheel turns.

    Reply
  84. D says:

    Oh, and ^^Ty. ^J.T., love you guys..no homo

    Reply
  85. Jake says:

    Good shit,
    I couldn’t resist the shit talking myself.

    Just wondering what happens when a telemarker kicks your ass up and down the ski hill? Or a knee dropping yee ha barrels past your backseat hip swinging noodle legs? Or perhaps stomps the cliff you just backslapped on. If it hasn’t happened yet – it will. Alpine skiing is for people not brave enough to fall the 1,000,000 times necessary it takes to learn how to ski for real (freeheel of course).

    Reply
  86. telemonster says:

    Okay, first of all, you like to call your selves skiers? Telemark started the entire world of skiing. Without it nobody would be a skier. And the stuff in the article that says we are slow, can’t stomp anything, and it’s all about soul, is wrong. I skier faster then most people I know, and I tele. I compete in big mountain comps, and stomp the landings regularly. The soul part of tele goes along with all skiing. Everyone is out there to have a good time. Skiing should be fun. I see it as a stress reliever. Why is everyone so against each other in this world of winter sports? We are all riding some sort of mechanism to enjoy the mountain. Who cares what it is? I have made an early career for myself because of tele.

    Reply
  87. Rodney says:

    Can’t we all just get along?

    Reply
  88. anaonymous coward says:

    hahahahahahahahahah these were the best comments I have ever read on unnoficial. Sooo many butthurt teleskies it is amazing. Ive skied tele before and I hated it. i could not do as many things as I could on my regular skis. And the main thing is I could not go fast! I could not bomb or straighline in tele skis. It sucked. Ill see you on the hill where Ill be waiting 5 plus mintues for you to catch me.

    Reply
  89. Wadsworth Shuttlecock says:

    There are definitely great teleskiers out there. I was able to see the Tele Freeskiing Competition at Alpine Meadows a few times, and there were some pretty rowdy skiers doing technical lines on Keyhole and landing solid airs. As for the speed thing, I remember a few times when teles hit hollywood off of scott and pretty much straightlined it down. But maybe they seemed fast because I have a tendency to do gliding wedge turns when I do blues and blacks.

    Reply
  90. h8knuckldrgrs says:

    Tele. AT. Alpine. No one gives a shit.
    We need to find some unity and get those fucking texan snowboarders off our mountains before it becomes an amateur hour freak parade where no one who values their health will go for fear of being run over by one of those stupid ski trikes.

    Reply
  91. curmudgeon says:

    Amusing article this old curmudgeon has thoughts…

    New School skier, telemark hater…former snot bag with that emo spikey hair who broke thier arms and collar bones trying to land a kickflip off a 5 stair and then rebroke them later that winter trying a grind a hubba off the back of the lodge. You finally slinked away and and came back next season on alpine gear ….I care not…fall off a cliff if you want…NOT MY SCENE.

    I am here to have the blue sky overhead, 6″ of fresh underfoot and the feel of crisp air in my lungs for JUST ONE MORE DAY….

    Reply
  92. Scott says:

    Wow! so much butthurt over a very funny and sarcastic post. Lighten the fuck up people, its called humor; you really can`t tell that the author was using comedy??? Pull the sticks out of your asses and learn that it is okay to laugh at yourself once in awhile and not go around taking everything so super serious. Between the pseudo political correctness and the outright butt hurt, the reactions of some on here are as funny as the original article.

    Reply
    • Jon says:

      Haha what’s worse, getting but thirst over lies and deceit or getting butt hurt over people getting butt hurt? If you think the butt hurt comments are funny the. Quite crying about them!

      Reply
  93. Joey says:

    It was awesome to read about a pro skier crying that tele bindings are too heavy… Man up son. And you only need a release if you don’t know how to ski, some pro. Get on my level. I will beat my alpine friends down the hill on my teles. And send it bigger and stop it. Just cause its too hard for most alpiners only makes it even better! Free the heel, free the mind!

    Reply
  94. Mel says:

    Anybody know what happened to telemarktips.com. Heard mitch quit, and in looking for new site, found this. You all rock, I mean, you got anger, hate, love, joy, sex (hot_tele_chick – call me) and me….

    Reply

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