So you’ve moved to Whistler to dirtbag for the winter. You’re a ripper skier, you’ve got some quasi sponsors and a Gopro and you think you’re the shit. Party every night, ski every day…in Whistler.

But tell me this, CAN YOU GET LAID?

Probably not, no matter what you tell your bros. And I’m not talking about drunken, barely memorable sex. I’m talking about good sex…sex with hot women that lasts more than five minutes. Afternoon sex; the kind you skip after-ski beers for. Oh, you don’t want to miss havin’ a beer with yer buddies at the shithole Crystal Lounge? Well go fu*k yourself then. Enjoy the Seven Eleven burrito, cheap beer and sleeping on the couch in your ski clothes, douchefag. Meanwhile your buddy is off to some local yoga girl’s hot tub having tantric sex and eating a fine meal – all in time for a good night’s sleep and freshies in the a.m.

And trust me when I say that I know what I’m talking about. I have enjoyed all that Whistler has to offer, from skiing classic lines to picking up the local bartender. And this town is lucrative. But being a skid just won’t cut it.

So let’s start with some basics. First off, pull your freaking pants up, you idiots. Do you really think chicks, even snowboard chicks, actually like it when you wear your pants below your arse? Jesus man. You’re not in prison. Women don’t want a little skid boy who looks as if he’s shit himself. They want a man. I’ve spoken to a lot of women in this town from fresh off the boat 20 year-olds to the 35 year-old yoga instructors and they all say the same thing: Sure, there are lots of boys in Whistler, but there are no MEN.

I’m not asking you to give up your dirtbag status. You can keep that. But if you want to get laid, then stop acting like a little skid boy and start being a man. Ski hard, sure. But maybe put some deodorant on, learn to get a woman off and don’t express pride to a broad at how cool you are ‘cause you can’t pay your rent and you live off Kraft Dinner and Chef Boyardee. And maybe, just maybe, stop smoking so much goddamn weed all the time. Save it for the climbs when you’re out in the backcountry with the boys. If I approach a woman stoned out of my tree bragging about how big an air I hucked she’ll roll her eyes and tell me she has to go to the bathroom.

That’s this week’s top tip: Pull up your pants and respect yourself a little more. Maybe get on the moderate drug and alcohol program. Wear a belt, build a little stamina for the bedroom and shave once in a while. This may sound ridiculous, but by god it works. And there’s nothing better than capping off an epic day with a good shag and warm meal.

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58 Comments

  1. John Upton says:

    LMFAO!!!!

    Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    true true

    Reply
  3. el extremo says:

    douchefag – is that even a word?

    CLASSIC

    Reply
  4. yup says:

    so much truth here

    Reply
  5. MtnResQChick says:

    Amen, brother, a-MEN.

    Reply
  6. Eric says:

    Still smoking weed tho

    Reply
  7. Scrub says:

    This article can also be applied in the summer when resorts open up for mountain biking.

    Reply
  8. that guy says:

    “Meanwhile your buddy is off to some local yoga girl’s hot tub having tantric sex and eating a fine meal – all in time for a good night’s sleep and freshies in the a.m.”
    I’m going to claim being ‘buddy’ haha
    thats a good and funny post

    Reply
  9. skid girl says:

    so much frustration you got there body , did your chix went with a little skid boy instead of you ? ahah

    Reply
    • Anonymous says:

      First loser, learn how to spell and speak english. I’ve been here for 18yrs and have forgotten more woman than you’ll ever get. He’s dead right, but keep being you makes my life even easier!

      Reply
      • caribooloo says:

        haha. that was awesome; the fool for “being him self” and lining up a beautiful response, as well as the women (ah thank you). ill drink my caribooloo, get dirty, real dirt-bag dirty, but stick to tradition; trimmed beard or shave, deodorant and – of course – some good ol’ sexin’.

        — but strap up gentlemen (and senior anonymous above ) ex; 18 years in whistler will make you scratch yo’ dick like a horse fly bite on the thick meat of yo’ ass cheek.

        Reply
  10. James Hay says:

    Or just learn to tele hard :-))

    Reply
  11. Daryn Edmunds says:

    epic

    Reply
  12. Adolf Oliverbush says:

    Looks like Unofficial Whistler is finally stepping up the game and joining the ranks of Unofficial Squaw. Great freakin article!!!!!!

    Reply
  13. d huber says:

    you just have to be really good at whacking your pole.

    Reply
  14. Borat says:

    Goodbye UnofficialSquaw, Hello UnofficialWhistler.

    Does she have a sister?

    Reply
  15. another blackcomb lifty says:

    most frustrated man in whistler, bet he peels the labels off his bottles. Seriously dude, you want amazing sex with some hot chick leave Whistler, we ALL came for the riding, and if you can’t find powder then start learning all the stashes…. the only real chick you’ll find in Whistler is the one you brought with you haha!

    Reply
    • hahaha says:

      ur a lifty! hahahaha. thanks for getting those chairs up and running so i can shred all ur lines.
      ps.. im so much better than u!

      Reply
  16. RJ says:

    I’m sure you’ve all heard these two jokes:

    -If you’re a dude in a relationship and your girl leaves you: you don’t get dumped, you just lose your turn.

    -If you’re a dudette in a ski town seeking a dude: the odds are good but the goods are odd.

    Cheers

    Reply
  17. sigh says:

    once again the writers of unofficial express themselves in the tone of a pissed off 15 year old boy. Looks like a shred skid took your girl or something buddy. My pants are low and my girl is fine. We have that ‘tantric yoga sex’ shit or whatever you’re talking about all the time. I smoke weed daily. And am probably a way better shredder than you. I’ll go back to being a successful dirtbag in my endeavors, and you can keep writing about how much better I am than you. Peace.

    Reply
  18. oli says:

    Cool story bro…
    We all believe you ;)

    Reply
  19. mikeynix says:

    Yeah! That’s right ya sex crazed retrobates! Buy yourself a collared shirt and tuck it into your khakis like the rest of us respectable, whistler-based tantric sex gurus…

    Reply
  20. Whistler SAFE Clinic says:

    AND… A friendly message from the *busy* doctor at the Whistler SAFE Clinic… Wear a condom, every time.
    About 10% of young adults in Whistler have Chlamydia; about 1 in 5 adults in BC have genital herpes; up to 80% of adults have been exposed to one of the genital wart viruses – and most DON’T KNOW that they are infected with an STI. Soooo, whether you wear your pamts low or high, when you drop ‘em wear a condom – every time, and for the Entire time. Put it on for any skin to skin genital contact, AND for oral sex too (that’s what the flavoured ones atr for). For going down on her, cut one lengthwise and use it as a barrier. They’re are not perfect protection, so also get tested regularly (for Chlamydia, Ghonorrea, Syphillis & HIV).
    ’tis true. No shit.

    Reply
  21. rista says:

    Amen… And guys, YAY, its great you can shred but please… The sun doesn`t shine out of your arse and it never will! So listening to your play by play gnar demolition of the day, all night, is not going to get more than a fake “get me the hell out of her” call from a friend.

    I don`t know why your pants don`t stay up the legs are god damn skinny enough. And if you must show your underwear, wash them.

    Reply
  22. huckwheat says:

    Living in Squaw i met my wife when she was a weekend warrior from SF…….she and her friends always wanted to meet local guys and always wondered why they didn’t…….then she learned we were always either working or home drinking in hot tub……luckily I met her on a lift.

    My point, make some effort boys, the tourists are ripe for some effort from local guys.

    Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    So hey, in my 4th grade teach tells me to pull up my trousers and tighten my belt., was I missing something?

    Reply
  24. Jason says:

    Well put, sir….well put

    Reply
  25. Don't choke your kony says:

    I understand now that you have some ads on your site you want to boost the hits for some revenue… but if I wanted to read old articles I would search for them on my own

    Reply
  26. rubyrampaige says:

    Life in a ski town, from a woman’s perspective:

    The odds are good but the goods are odd!!

    even w/ a hottub!
    Hippity Hoppity,Hippity Hoppity!!

    Reply
  27. GW says:

    Well Ruby,
    Women in a ski town are often times much like the snow-pack, despite being ridden often they are still extremely unstable. Also whenever you have a good run with the ladies in a town like Whistler, you just end up landing in some other dudes bomb-hole.

    Reply
  28. Ski Bum says:

    Funny post, true, and very good advice. Those old rules of losing your turn and the goods are odd, don’t make sense anymore. If there are 10 guys to every girl, there’s really only 2 guys to each girl. 8 out of 10 of those guys can’t hold a job, look and smell like crap, don’t show up on time (or at all), smoke way too much weed, don’t have a car that works (or has insurance) and has no prospect of becoming anything. Therefore, the majority of those girls will gravitate to the two guys that “get it”
    So…getting laid in a ski town is easy if you follow Joe Skier’s advice. Well put! Oh by the way, most guys won’t listen, so it just makes it easier for the guys that do! Pull up your pants, bathe, shave, treat girls with respect and you WILL catch one.

    Reply
  29. Hello this is kind of of off topic but I was wondering if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually code with HTML. I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding know-how so I wanted to get guidance from someone with experience. Any help would be enormously appreciated!

    Reply
  30. CamInUT says:

    Can I add that if your ski clothes look like you color-coordinated them or if they are “resort-fashionable” we’re gonna get turned off, cause chances we ski gals don’t even care if our own ski clothes look good. So your military-style Burton jacket and matching pants with too many zippers are not attractive.

    Reply
  31. JT Seabass says:

    Drunk pussy afternoon pussy—does really matter. You have to take what you can get.

    Need more bush

    Reply
  32. Willy says:

    I’ve shagged mad bitched in ski towns!! throwing in down like a boss!

    Reply
  33. 20somethinggirl says:

    EXACTLY the same in Jackson Hole!!!!

    Reply
  34. Lloyd Garden says:

    If you liked that Lange video check out this behind the scenes video: Making of the Lange Icon 2014 Poster with Tina Maze

    Reply
  35. bweb says:

    slow clap

    Reply

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