An officer with the Food Safety And Inspection Service ordered the temporary closure of Lefty’s Tavern this past Monday, a directive that will stay in effect until management can get its clientele to stop ripping farts with reckless abandon.
The Ogden, UT staple that’s been serving up 3.2% IPA’s and buffalo wings for just short of 10 years was cited by the FSIS for having “high levels of airborne fecal matter” inside the restaurant space. The report concluded that 1.2% of the air continues to be contaminated by fecal matter on a nightly basis (average). Those numbers rise significantly on Wing Night’s (*Wednesday’s) as well as when bands played music in the space.
During one such “Wing Night” in January, the FSIS officer said the contamination affected a whopping 5% of the breathable air inside the bar.
The FSIS found out about the problem after a patient admitted himself to a nearby hospital with “acute pink eye.” Having never seen a case quite as severe as the patient in question, an ER doctor reported the problem to the Center For Disease Control and Prevention.
After taking the victim’s blood and checking vitals, it was immediately clear that simple pink eye was the culprit. But a funny response by the patient brought environmental circumstances into question. Upon finding out his diagnosis, the anonymous fellow joked to doctors that he’d just been to the “fart factory” known as Lefty’s.
The federal health officials however did not take the joke lightly. Instead they alerted the FSIS who later installed instruments to measure airborne contaminates within the bar. Since the closing, Lefty’s owners has canceled all wing nights and 2-for-1 draft happy hours. Lefty himself praised the move, admitting that 25 cent wings and 2 for 1 IPA’s on the same night was a little too much for his customers’ stomachs.
*This is a work of satire