After swearing to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help him God, a Colorado snow reporter plead guilty to misrepresenting snow totals to the Colorado public.
The false snow reports resulted in traffic jams on I-70 that caused multiple fender benders as well as a few more serious car crashes. But what’s worse than car crashes is the amount of disappointed shredders who arrived on the hill to find just 4″ of fresh– not 10″.
The court case arose after one snow scientist with the US Department Of Agriculture noticed discrepancies in the mountain’s reporting vs. his own Snotel sites. “If what they say is true, then this mountain averages somewhere around 450″ every year– which is bullshit” said the hydrologist who’s based out of Leadville, CO. Colorado in fact only averages 353″ every year.
“We’re going to make sure these snow reporters are keeping their reports accurate. Otherwise, we’re going to fight such fake news in court.” – Greg Winkelman, CDOT Director
After filing the compliant with one of his supervisors, CDOT somehow got a whiff of the stinky snow reports and has since filed a lawsuit against the reporter . “What we’re seeing is an increased risk for Colorado drivers based on these ‘so called’ 24 hour snow totals,” says CDOT director Dave Winkelman.
So far authorities are deciding to keep the snow reporter’s name a mystery out of fear for the suspect’s personal safety. According to court documents, the defendant blamed unnamed “higher powers,” which he claimed “are always watching.”
“If you don’t report 6″ more than what they got… you’re fired, just like that” claimed the accused whilst snapping his fingers. The judge said no evidence of such a conspiracy exists. He went on to illustrate how photo evidence of the reporter skiing ‘dust on crust’ when an earlier report said, “it’s going to be a 7″ powder day for all you skiers and riders” was enough to warrant a death sentence.
*This is a work of satire