After spending a year in isolation below Idaho’s Sawtooth Mountains, Wallace Regis emerged from his wilderness-bound yurt to find something absolutely unbelievable– America’s two choices for president are Hillary Clinton and Donald J. Trump.
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A survivalist, backcountry skier, and all-around mountain man, Regis left civilization this time last year, bound for a yurt he built over the course of the summer. In an email to friends and family, Regis described his mission as a much needed “sojourn from society.” Leaving his iPhone, MacBook Pro, and modern life behind, he would go on to spend a year in isolation living within a 15 mile radius of his yurt.
Upon returning to the trailhead from which he embarked, Regis flagged down a car bound for his hometown of Stanley, Idaho. On the drive back, the survivalist was left dumbfounded after seeing a Donald J. Trump campaign banner positioned next to one for Hillary Clinton in Obsidian, Idaho. “Why is there banner for Donald Trump out here?” he asked the driver who replied, “Wait… where are you coming from.”
After discovering his passenger’s ignorance, the driver went on to inform the wild-man that our country had since nominated Donald J. Trump and Hillary Clinton to serve as the primary candidates for president.
“You’re fucking kidding right? Haven’t we had enough of the Bush’s and Clinton’s by now?… and Trump? I thought republicans would have some midwesterner whose name begins with a ‘K’ or something…”
Turns out America is not kidding and Regis is now contemplating moving back into his yurt. The 39 year-old even went as far as to express regret that he had not been around to change something– anything about the upcoming election.
“Maybe if I had been here and been able to post to Facebook, Bernie would be the democratic candidate,” Regis told Unofficial Networks. “Either way, the Illuminati must have been partying pretty hard when they chose these two shining examples of what it means to be an American…”
Regis told Unofficial Networks that while he would vote seriously on Tuesday, he plans to “write in” the deceased environmentalist, Edward Abbey for president before heading back into the wilderness.
*This is a work of satire